A Question of Love

I do not care much for getting into religious debates or challenging people's faith. I used to as a teenager who had something to prove - but peace has become a valuable commodity for me today. I respect that people are on a journey constantly struggling within themselves about how this life works and why. We all come to different conclusions that seem to make sense and most importantly - make us feel secure. Recently (not by my own choice) I have had to think more than usual about religion and what it means for our world. My husband has been delving into loads of information about the history and sources of any and all religions possible. Consequently, I have benefitted from his studies.

I used to consider myself religious up until around age 20 - then I dropped all the titles and decided that simply having a spiritual relationship with the one I call God fit me better. My background is strictly Christian and that is what makes me ponder so much today. I have a growing intensity of sadness about how religion has done the opposite of what so many of them have set out to do. For instance, I grew up constantly studying the Bible - but why did I never hear my church say "Jesus showed love to murderers and thieves, so we are going to show love and peace to prisoners this week," or "Jesus ate with the sick, poor, and sinful, so this week we are going to invite the homeless over for dinner and make friends with a prostitute."? The word LOVE is mentioned 551 times in the Bible. Yet I am ashamed to say I cannot look back and say that is what I saw.

My experience is limited. I cannot personally speak for any other religions than what I saw myself, and even Christianity can be very different depending on the church and people. A short time of honest study reveals religions all have a checkered and often shameful past. There is violence, torture, and killing. There is stealing, selfishness, and conquering. All in the name of their god. It is nauseating to turn the pages of history and see the horrors. It all makes me want to stop the course of the book and begin a fresh one - one where we get to rewind back to the love that our God showed us how to live. A start where we choose not to deviate from peace, harmony, love, and consideration. Can religion fit in those pages? Sure! But can we please leave out the hate, judgment, superiority, intolerance, violence, and fear?? That's what would be beautiful to see moving forward. Do you agree?

How has religion shaped and changed your life? Were you raised to believe in a particular manner? Are you free to ask what questions your heart whispers? How does an honest look at history affect your beliefs? What do you wish to see in religion in the future?

The Human Condition

I have been thinking a lot about human behavior lately - why we make the choices we do, why we have the beliefs we do, and what the motivation is for our behavior. There is so much that I have puzzled over for years and still don't have the answers. All I have now are a few observations. Of course, many people have books full of opinions about behavior and it will take me a lifetime to read all of the valuable information out there. I would love to hear all of your thoughts and experiences as well.

Growing up, I heard a lot of discussion about people's choices. It was easy to condemn others' decisions to get high, have sex, get pregnant, be "lazy", etc... I still hear all the same condemnation around me today, but I can't help but pay attention to the very opposite feelings that well up inside me when I am faced with "those" behaviors people do. The judgment I hear at first glance can sound reasonable - sort of a "well he was asking for it when he made that choice" attitude. After many years of observing human nature for myself, I believe very deeply that humans choose very little and judgment bestowed is very harsh. We seem to be compelled to action by the variety of intense emotions we feel constantly. And I'm not just talking about the outcasts of society. I'm talking about every one of us. I know many people that claim to base their decisions on nothing but objective and logical truth, only to see them conveniently fit their "logic" around their own feelings and desires. We seem to be a wonderful judge of the potential choices others, but are completely crippled when it comes to being an unbiased critic and director of our own lives.

I am still baffled by this seemingly unavoidable denial and blindness. I am all the more convinced we must be vigilant in our own lives to be painstakingly honest. As wonderful and beautiful as our emotions and feelings are, they can sway our behavior in ways many of us are oblivious to. It is a great realization however, to understand the seemingly irrational spontaneity of others is simply a reflection of the way I behave at times. It is not beneficial to judge the behavior we see but the observation of it is powerful, because we get a glimpse of the insanity that exists in our own lives. When I look back over my own life in this way, I get to see my flaws determined by the intense pull of my feelings and emotions that seemed logical at the time.

It is dangerous to limit your self awareness by claiming you are logical and base your actions only on objective information. Dig deep and practice honesty as you take a new look at the actions that have created the tapestry of your life. Ponder the feelings you felt. Experience the emotion again. Realize the impulsivity that has changed your life and made you who you are. Release the judgment and excuses. Try and see your neighbors in a new light. Perhaps we aren't so different. Perhaps we all live with the blessing (and sometimes curse) of being created with intense and powerful emotions. So step into their shoes and practice a little less judgment. It is a beautiful experience. Judgment is a heavy burden based in misunderstanding that we can choose to trade for understanding of the human condition we experience equally. And who wants a burden anyway when the light of wisdom is at your fingertips?

How have you been limited in your beliefs about your own actions? Have you judged others' behavior because you misunderstand them? Can you choose honesty and understanding today? Let me hear about it in the conversation here or in a message to defytheaverage@gmail.com

Reset

It feels so good to be home. I have been getting back into the routine of my life here after a trip with my husband. Whenever I go through a change in my routine, I tend to naturally see my surroundings a little differently. It doesn't have to be a trip: just a shift in some aspect of my surroundings and activities. If I am sensitive to the change around me, it helps me appreciate what I have and be the best I can be. Changes in my life essentially help me hit a reset button.

I used to hate change and still find it uncomfortable. Even things that are good changes. Initially, it was strange for me to travel with my husband. I never realized how fixated I was on my work, ambitions, and day to day activities. Even though traveling seemed fun, it meant "having time" to leave my very busy life here. It meant a huge change of pace and scenery. Boy was I limiting myself. I will never ever get this time again. I am so glad that my husband - over and over again - has pushed me to save whatever money we can, take time off work, and experience some life changes (and a break). Although I love seeing new cultures and observing new people, what I really love and what moves me the most is getting a chance to "reset". I never understood what getting a break could really do for me. I seriously had not allowed myself to take a day off, just for fun, for years. Actually, not since I became an adult working full time...

Take a little time to experience something different than the usual. It's not earth shattering - but it seemed to be for me. By stepping aside from my usual routine, I was delighted to make a new discovery. Instead of returning to a feeling of being behind - instead of stress - I would come back motivated and thankful for even the small things in my life. I looked forward to getting back to the gym instead of dreading it. I had a refreshed passion to pour into my clients. I found myself going through clothes and jewelry, and organizing closets, and getting rid of unneeded possessions. How ridiculous that I ever pushed away an opportunity to clear my head and reset my life! I am so grateful to have discovered such a powerful tool. I believe we all need to be "reset" once in awhile to gain some perspective. A little gratitude. A little happiness. A little change. 

I realize traveling just isn't an option for many people. It wasn't for me for most of my life. Change has always been an option, however. Go experience something different. Maybe take a mini trip to the mountains (my personal, absolute favorite), or go on a small road trip. The most elaborate trips in the world do not compare to a simple, couple day drive through Yellowstone, or Glacier National Park. No matter who you are, there are some hidden options for you waiting to be discovered. Rest and refreshing is awaiting you. Please take it. Your life will thank you for it.

How are you living your life? Are you refreshed and motivated? Or are you tired and disgruntled with things? Can you allow yourself a break from the routine? Let me know your thoughts here or at defytheaverage@gmail.com

The Power of Thought

The last few months I have really zoned in on a newly discovered truth. It's not really that I was unaware of it before, but I never really considered it's importance. Positivity. Optimism. Faith. It doesn't take a genius to know these qualities are good and of course I always viewed them as wonderful things. I took their power for granted, however.

What energy do you feel when you discuss poverty? Racism? Cruelty? Hate? They are very real things that our world experiences, sure. But how do you feel when you simply think about them? I get chills. I get enraged. I get overwhelmed. I feel powerless. My life, my energy, and my sense of wellbeing are shaken to the core when my mind is consumed with tragedy and negativity. And I don't think I am the only one...

So what about delightful things? How do Love, Peace, Trust, Hope and Fairness make you feel? What kind of energy surrounds you when your mind is filled with these things? I am instantly flooded with relaxation and tension leaves my body. I feel light. I feel the urge of possibility. I feel poised to take action. There is power in thoughts of life and love. And we get to choose what to focus on. We choose what to let in, and what to keep out.

The energy of our thoughts hold potential. If we can collectively, intentionally choose to think of optimism and hope, think of the energy our world would be filled with! When the focus turns from poverty to hope, from hate to peace, maybe in that it will be fulfilled. We will receive more of what we focus on - what we pour our energy into. Place your thoughts and energy on problems and what will you get? More problems. Pour your life into healing and love, and you will find more of that will seem to find you. I want to bring more love to this world. There are beautiful beings here. There is a brilliant and beaming world waiting for a stage. Let's kick the woe and sorrow off the stage and let beauty have the spotlight!

What will you choose to think on? What energy do you wish to bring to this world? Where is your focus usually? Let me know your thoughts in the conversation here or in a message to defytheaverage@gmail.com

Expect not, Want not.

I think we have all heard that little phrase "expect not, want not" at some time in our lives. I never really soaked up the meaning of it until the last few years however, when life did not allow me to ignore it any longer. Expectations and demands are so natural to have of life, people, work, yourself... everything. But are they helping or hindering your relationships and your life?

I have a little saying I remind myself of now when I am attached to the outcome of a situation: "expectations are premeditated resentments." If I expect that a friend will never gossip about me, that a co-worker will always do their share, that my husband will never criticize - I have set myself up for some major disappointments. I even see the horrible affects of very high expectations of self. In fact, I think the object of people's highest expectations is of themselves. I have been guilty of expecting unrealistic things of myself such as being able to work a full time job, go to full time school, have a relationship, have friends, start a business or non-profit or some big project... of course all at the same time... and the list could go on. So what is the harm in expecting a lot from yourself? I see so many clients (especially women) build their list of things they "should" be doing, only to feel like a failure and someone who is unproductive. Their "failure" to be all of the things they expect becomes an excuse to verbally and mentally abuse themselves in the most unkind ways.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a lot out of life. We should, because life is abundantly full of lovely experiences, people, and achievements. Somehow, expectations seem to drive us further from all of the loveliness and closer to misery and bitterness. The expectations of others is pretty much useless because we have absolutely no control over others' behavior. None. If you don't like something another person is doing that affects you, by all means share your feelings and stand up for your needs. Do that, knowing that you are being true to yourself - not that they are going to change. Because they very well might not. And they are allowed to. If you don't like it and cannot be the best version of you around their behavior, remove them from your life. Most of our expectations however, are just that - our own idea of what other ought to be doing. Step away from your judgment for a moment and see the dignity of their own decisions. They may be happy with the way things are.

Expectations of yourself are another beast entirely. You do have some control over yourself and your own behavior, so it is right to focus your attention there. Do not sacrifice joy and gentleness for your high expectations however, because you will find your life disappeared and left only disappointment. Enjoy the moment you have right now and be the best version of self you can be, with no judgment. Before you know it, the world will be at your fingertips. You will have joy in every day and you will be fulfilling the dreams you never knew you had. It may not include some grandios degree or job or superwoman powers, but you will be present and displaying your best version of you - with no expectations. Flow with your life and allow opportunities to unfold naturally instead of planning your life out and creating a wake of resentment when things don't go the way you wished. Trade your expectations for the day for enjoyment of the gifts life has given you.

What have you been expecting of others? Yourself? Have you created resentments? What is your next move now? Can you accept your day today without any expectations and just simply enjoy the gifts? Start the conversation here or in a message to me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Secrets

We all have a few of them. The challenge is to get rid of them: Secrets. I'm not talking about secrets like the ones your little sister told you about the night she was embarrassed she ripped her skirt... I'm talking about the deadly ones that destroy your peace of mind and genuineness. We all have a deep need to be authentic and secrets rob us of that. Secrets like: abuse, addiction, sickness, betrayal... We may feel like we are being a good friend or a loyal mate, but at what expense?

You are only as sick as your secrets. Not only could secrets be harming your loved one - they are harming you. I learned this the hard way. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a man who struggled with addictions. Attempting to save face for him and thinking no one understood, I would cover for him constantly. I would make excuses, sometimes even lie to his probation officer, and most of importantly I would hide my own pain. The longer I kept his secrets, the more isolated and miserable I became. I lost friends because I felt like I could not talk honestly about what was going on in my life. I stopped going out with people or making plans. It took too much energy to try to hang out with others when I knew I would have to defend and excuse my boyfriend's behavior the whole time. I was trapped. I was lonely. I was resentful.

I am not saying we should share everyone's business and air out dirty laundry that is not our own. Obviously, this is harmful all by itself. There are safe places to share things that bother you and are making you sick. For me, that place was AlAnon. I could share freely about what was happening around me and could rest knowing that my hurt and pain would never be shared elsewhere. There were some secrets I had to give up completely and openly - no matter if I felt they were embarrassing. I had to tell my boyfriend that I would never lie to his probation officer again. I had to tell him I would never hide alcohol for him. Those were hard things to say, but I felt lighter just knowing those things were no longer my burden.

In order for me to have healthy friendships, I had to stop making excuses for anyone else's behavior. I put the focus back on my own business and if anyone asked about things that were "secrets" I was honest or simply stated that it wasn't my business to share and that they should ask that person. It is a wonderful thing when honesty floods a person's life. Without honesty, relationships cannot flourish and self care comes to a screeching halt. My illusion that keeping secrets made me a loyal person was a lie that poisoned my soul for a very long time. I could not understand why I became depressed and lost, until I reached out to embrace truth above everything and everyone. I was only as sick as my secrets kept me. You cannot be authentic and keep secrets at the same time.

Do you struggle with keeping secrets? Are they affecting you - poisoning you? Do you keep yourself from others because you are ashamed of what you are hiding? Let me know about how you maintain your honesty. Leave a comment here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Reality

How do you know your life is real? Is it because you can see your reflection in the mirror? Because you can hear your children talking? Or maybe because you can feel the material things around you? How can you know for sure? Plato asks “How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?" Plato's questions are intriguing. It brings us to a rude awareness of our very personal sense of realness.

We each were created with 5 senses (6 if you believe in intuition like I do), and these senses are the guides we were given to interpret our realities. Because these senses are not experienced collectively, how can we tell if what we experience is the same as our neighbor? Philip K Dick explains it beautifully: "If reality differs from person to person, can we speak of reality singular, or shouldn't we really be talking about plural realities? And if there are plural realities, are some more true (more real) than others?" This is a truth we must begin to acknowledge. Our own reality is only a sliver of the collective. I will never get to experience life in another person's skin. I will never see through another person's eyes. The only reality I will ever know is encased in this single mind. 

Why is this important? What is the significance? If every person has the potential of experiencing life entirely different from myself, shouldn't this knowledge allow me to extend understanding and even curiosity to others who experience very different feelings and opinions than I do? I believe when we begin to realize the complexity of what is very real to each individual, we have the ability to trade our judgment for a sense of awe. The fact that someone else experiences the same situations very differently than I do is not threatening to my feelings and opinions - it can only add to them. How beautiful that we get to see a broader perspective of reality but only by being open and truly listening to the experiences of others. In this way our judgment of any other opinion or feeling is absolutely crippling. We should be humbled by gratitude to be able to share our isolated and unique lives with other human beings!!

How can you acknowledge the validity and beauty of other's experiences today? Are you able to put aside your view of how your world works and really listen to the truth someone else experiences? Let me know how you feel about relying on only your 5 (or 6) senses to shape your world. Please comment below or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com.