Do you ever experience that one thing? You know, that one thing that cripples you every time it happens, no matter how hard you try to prepare for it? Well I do. When that thing happens, I crumble. It paralyzes me. Tortures me. When it happens, I feel my communication skills revert to my five year old past no matter how hard I try to utilize a lifetime of skills I have learned. By five year old communication skills I mean: tears. And more tears. Get the picture? And I know I'm not alone in this. Maybe your shutdown mode is anger, fear, or silence. But we all have one, or sometimes many.
I never cease to be frustrated with myself when that crucial moment passes. The moment where I have the opportunity to express my feelings logically and coherently but... I freeze... and then the tears. It seems so irrational right? I have all the tools. I've prepped myself time and again for the "next time" it happens. And it is so easy to feel livid with myself when all my good will and planning goes down the tubes. This is when I learn a hard lesson for me to swallow: be GENTLE. Gentle with myself. Gentle with the situation. Gentle with all involved. Sometimes God gives us an overwhelming or painfully charged experience over and over so that we can learn to let it go and be gentle with our pain, emotions, reactions, and whatever else we "didn't do right." And if we get that crippling and paralyzing feeling again, we obviously still have more to learn.
When this painful situation hits me, I simply want to run. I don't want to deal with it - it's too painful. I don't want to talk about it - the feelings won't convert to words. Why? Well I don't think I have even figured out the depth, but I know it hurts a great deal more than maybe it should. I know that I feel walked on. I feel disrespected. I feel alone. These are my feelings. I don't know why I feel them, but something about "that one thing" brings them all to the surface. So what do I do? Obviously I have been utterly unsuccessful at changing my reactions all at once. But maybe there is something bigger to learn. Maybe it's about faith that God will reveal these things as quickly as is best for me. Maybe it's about patience and trust. Maybe I can learn to be accepting of that pain, knowing that it is part of me that is being worked on. Maybe it's even about stepping away from that trigger. There are many lessons to learn, and that in and of itself is comforting.
So I know I am not alone. What is it that hits you all of the sudden and freezes you? Do you feel shame about your feelings and reactions? Or can you see the value in them? Can you appreciate your journey, no matter what spontaneous human things rise to the surface? Remember that it is in those moments that you learn the most about deep values you hold as well as the deepest fears. Catch on to that and learn all you can. Let me know what you have discovered along the way at defytheaverage@gmail.com
I never cease to be frustrated with myself when that crucial moment passes. The moment where I have the opportunity to express my feelings logically and coherently but... I freeze... and then the tears. It seems so irrational right? I have all the tools. I've prepped myself time and again for the "next time" it happens. And it is so easy to feel livid with myself when all my good will and planning goes down the tubes. This is when I learn a hard lesson for me to swallow: be GENTLE. Gentle with myself. Gentle with the situation. Gentle with all involved. Sometimes God gives us an overwhelming or painfully charged experience over and over so that we can learn to let it go and be gentle with our pain, emotions, reactions, and whatever else we "didn't do right." And if we get that crippling and paralyzing feeling again, we obviously still have more to learn.
When this painful situation hits me, I simply want to run. I don't want to deal with it - it's too painful. I don't want to talk about it - the feelings won't convert to words. Why? Well I don't think I have even figured out the depth, but I know it hurts a great deal more than maybe it should. I know that I feel walked on. I feel disrespected. I feel alone. These are my feelings. I don't know why I feel them, but something about "that one thing" brings them all to the surface. So what do I do? Obviously I have been utterly unsuccessful at changing my reactions all at once. But maybe there is something bigger to learn. Maybe it's about faith that God will reveal these things as quickly as is best for me. Maybe it's about patience and trust. Maybe I can learn to be accepting of that pain, knowing that it is part of me that is being worked on. Maybe it's even about stepping away from that trigger. There are many lessons to learn, and that in and of itself is comforting.
So I know I am not alone. What is it that hits you all of the sudden and freezes you? Do you feel shame about your feelings and reactions? Or can you see the value in them? Can you appreciate your journey, no matter what spontaneous human things rise to the surface? Remember that it is in those moments that you learn the most about deep values you hold as well as the deepest fears. Catch on to that and learn all you can. Let me know what you have discovered along the way at defytheaverage@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment