“Success depends on getting good at saying no without feeling guilty. You cannot get ahead with your own goals if you are always saying yes to someone else’s projects. You can only get ahead with your desired lifestyle if you are focused on the things that will produce that lifestyle.

- Jack Canfield

Let Me Disappoint You

"Let me disappoint you" is a beautiful phrase in a book I love called The Art of Extreme Self Care, and it is a concept I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have learned so much about boundaries over the last two years and I just keep eating it up. Little by little, I find it easier to disappoint people if it just has to be done.

I grew up with the mentality that I could somehow go through life making everyone and myself happy. I had some sort of superwoman complex that I fought, tooth and nail, to hold on to. Every time I was unable to accomplish the happiness of all those around me, I felt like a failure. I also made another lethal yet unconscious decision - I surrounded myself with suffering people who needed me. Happiness was a stiff order. One that was completely ridiculous and unreasonable. Yet I expected it of myself to solve it all - and make everyone happy. Guess who ended up miserable...

One day I had to come to grips with the truth that I could not make anyone happy. The harder I tried, the more demanding people became. I felt resentful and overwhelmed. I had to come to a very low place to accept the fact that I was far less powerful than I thought. I opened myself up to learning how limited my little world of control was - and it was beautiful. I get to make me happy. That's it. That is all I have control over. A wonderful thing happens when I practice this. Other people around me seem to get happier too. The only thing I owe another person is my own happiness.

Sometimes being true to my own happiness can be disappointing to others. When I am honest about my own needs and desires, it can be necessary to deny someone else's request. The word "no" is often the hardest word to leave my lips - but the most important and loving word I could utter. "No" encourages independence - for me, for the other person. It gives dignity. But it also sometimes stings with disappointment. The word "no" has changed my life and given me my happiness back. I used to believe an illusion that I could solve everyone's problems and have time at the end of the day to accomplish my own dreams and goals. Today I understand I either chase a false belief that I can change another person's happiness, or I can focus on myself and perhaps truly make an impact. I don't need to be superwoman today. I am simply a human that chooses to be happy.

How do you disappoint others in order to remain true to your own needs and self care? Do you find it difficult to let others down when it is necessary for your spiritual growth? Let me know about your journey in a comment below or at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Unacceptable Behavior

For quite awhile, I was baffled by the idea of simply not accepting unacceptable behavior. I think I had a hard time distinguishing what was unacceptable to me for one thing, and secondly, once I identified what was unacceptable - how in the hell was I supposed to make it any different??? HAHA.

Today, I don't find the topic quite so confusing. I have come a long way in raising my own standards and you can too. Before I could begin to set wholesome boundaries for myself, I had to learn to identify what was important to me. I used to think EVERYTHING was unacceptable. Especially in relationships. "He's always disrespecting me. He never does the dishes. He doesn't do the dishes correctly. How dare he use that without asking me.  I can't believe he said that about me." - On and on my head would race... and the resentment would mount. All the time I would think about the behavior of others - friends, family, boyfriends, co-workers - and I would think so many things were unacceptable. If I chose to communicate my feelings, I felt it was hopeless anyway because there would be no way to force them to change. Mmmm... Silly girl.

What I was doing was not justice to myself. I hadn't taken the time to really identify what bothered me so bad - deep down - that it was unacceptable. It took much less time to just feel disgruntled about everything. We have to know ourselves before we can ever understand where to set our standards. Today I know that cussing at me - is unacceptable. Discrediting me - is unacceptable. Being in a toxic work environment - is unacceptable. Being anywhere that doesn't make me grow, shine, or love - is unacceptable. What are the absolute "no's" to you?

So what to do when the "unacceptables" are identified? Does identifying one of your absolute "no's" make it quickly disappear from your life forever? Ha! No. It is only the first step. Here is the hard deal with choosing not to accept anything but the best in your life - you have to choose to let go. If you don't accept demeaning communication any longer and your boss, or boyfriend, or whoever, is constantly demeaning you after you have asked for respect - you have to cut them from your life. If lying is unacceptable and your best friend lies constantly, the change is in your corner. Identifying something unacceptable and then allowing it to continue means it really isn't unacceptable to you.

I have found that identifying the few things that are truly unacceptable to me and then following through by never allowing them in my life, has given me a new lease on life. My life gets progressively better when I stick up for my values. When I compromise and tolerate unacceptable behavior, I allow my spirit to be wounded over and over. How can I ever grow if I am constantly preoccupied by resentment and surviving another blow to my values? Don't accept anything but the best in your life today. It may not seem like serious business to let that rude comment slide by, but it may be draining your potential subtly every day. Make some changes - big or small - that allow your values and spirit to flourish. Remember, we are the gate keepers of our lives. Only you can choose the environment you live in.

Tell me about your standard shifts! Start the conversation right here. Or you can message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

The Next Indicated Thing

As a follow up to our discussion about new year's goals, I figured it would be important to talk about the journey to get where we are going. I tend to be a little anxious and get stuck in my head when I think of my "goals." Scary. Why do they seem scary? Because I think of all the changes that need to be made during the entire course of my life and feel like I need to get it all done NOW! Haha! No wonder it makes me anxious...

Over the last few years, I have learned a whole bunch about being present, setting limits, and taking the "next indicated step." It does not come natural to me. I am the type of person that wants to fill my whole plate up right now, get it all done without sleep, rest, or fun, and then someday I'll be happy when it's all done. Talk about living in the future. Today, I am doing my best to give myself a reasonable amount of work to do without sacrificing my self care or happiness in the process. Even if I see a hopelessly large amount of changing to do, I can rest knowing life is in the process - not the outcome. It's the changing that brings joy - so why rush through it?

I enjoy watching my coaching clients make this realization. In the beginning, nearly everyone can't wait to get started making life altering changes as quickly as possible. They want to change careers, change relationships, change lifestyles. All of the change they want is positive however, when the will gets ahead of the universe - we are in for trouble. Rarely do those changes last and they can lead to frustration and heartache in the end. One thing at a time. This world is a sleepy, carefree, and fun environment when we take each step deliberately, one at a time. So, stop trying to leap the staircase and enjoy the scenery. The journey is the joy you are looking for.

So what is the step you are taking deliberately today? I would love to hear your story! Tell me at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Happy New Year!!

2014. What an opportunity. There is always something refreshing about beginning a new year. January is cleansing and exciting when I think about shedding all the weight of last year... and I'm not talking about physical weight. We all accumulate baggage throughout the year whether it is emotional, relational, spiritual, or mental. The energy surrounding the new year allows us all to let go of whatever doesn't work anymore and grab ahold of something new. It's time to kick off the new year with growth.

Every new year I hear a lot of negative talk about resolutions - how they don't work, how silly they are, and how you would be better off just carrying on without setting any "worthless" goals. Maybe many people to lose sight of their resolutions quickly however, it seems to me we should be encouraging each other to set goals and cheering them on along the way. Perhaps we could focus on how to change the success rate instead of encouraging people to give up all together. A kind word has always gone a long way for me. If friends of mine had told me to forget my goals because no one ever succeeds anyway, I don't think I would have made it this far. Goal setting is positive. I hope that you continue to set goals for yourself all year long. I hope that you set a direction for your life and go for it with all your heart and soul.

I am the type of person that can be overwhelmed by all the things I want to accomplish. Too many goals, too many dreams, too LITTLE time! This year I want to be deliberate. I want to pick one thing at a time and live it. Self care is a theme for me this year and that will be my resolution - for now. I want to take extremely good care of myself this year, because I have never been that great at it. When it comes to nutrition, health, relaxation, spirituality, relationships, fitness, and work, I want to be a bad *ss at taking care of me in 2014.

So take a risk and challenge yourself this year to something new. So what if you "fail" - if there is such a thing. We have really been beaten if we are so sure of failure that we fail to try for anything. Don't make it complicated, but set one simple goal at a time and set yourself on fire. Be passionate about life. Take the next indicated step. Get to know yourself and your desires this year, and get to it!

Let me know what you have decided to do this year, or month, or week at defytheaverage@gmail.com. I would love to hear about it!

Gratitude in the Darkness

Ah yes, and the light shines again. Sometimes it truly feels as if the darkness will never leave again. I am so thankful, however, that when the sun rises my fear of the darkness seems to become lighter. Hope dominates again.

Think back to a time when you felt excruciating grief. Maybe it was the death of a dear loved one or friend. Maybe it was the illness of a soulmate. Maybe it was a divorce, personal failure, or an unexpected indefinite separation from someone close. Perhaps it is even something you are going through at this very moment. There is not much I can think of that is more permeating than that darkness. That grief and despair go bone deep, and then some. The pain can feel unbearable and crushing. Thank God hope and light DO prevail.

I have been going through one of those dark moments and there is nothing to do but that - go through. I know there is light somewhere beyond those clouds and I am finally feeling the sun break through just a little. I'm pretty drenched from the rain, but the sun feels pretty darn good. I really do think that the only thing that keeps a person going during those times is faith. Faith that the sun is coming. Faith that the clouds and rain MUST come if life is to continue and that God knows when to turn it off. Faith that He is LOVE and will only do what is best. Faith that the sun still does really exist. Without that faith I have no idea how anyone could stand one moment of this sorrow.

I think sometimes it is difficult to be thankful in the midst of the rain, but not impossible. Without the rain and darkness we are shallow human beings without empathy or understanding. We are prideful. We are self absorbed. The rain allows us to feel our equality and our humanity. It teaches us our powerlessness we have over certain situations and people. It creates compassion within us. It stretches us beyond our comfortable shell. I am thankful that the rain creates this in me. I can't say that I like the rain. It is gloomy, bleak, and very cold. But I am thankful for the gifts it gives me once it has passed. The pain is worth the wisdom and the grace.

So what do you think? Are you in the midst of darkness right now? Can you think back to rainy times and see good that it has produced in you? Was it worth it? I'd love to hear about it - defytheaverage@gmail.com.