Let's Talk Self Care

Today, I'd like to have a conversation about self-care because it is often left as a side note of life. Too often, I hear, "I'll take care of myself when I have time." Or "That's just not my priority right now." The truth is, if it isn't a priority now, chances are it never will be. 

First of all, let's discuss "what is self-care?"

Self-care is any intentional choices you make to take care of your physical, mental and emotional health.

Some examples of self care might include: 

• Surrounding yourself with people who nourish and encourage you
• Eliminating clutter from your home and office
• Choosing work aligned with your values
• Getting your finances in order
• Allowing yourself rest and play
• Prioritizing your nutrition and body health

Most importantly - 

• Never making any commitments out of guilt or obligation

So, what's so important about self-care?

In our culture, many people highly value hard work, ambition, and taking care of responsibilities. Although these things are great, often they are not harmonized with a strong practice of self care. 

The self care that gets forgotten must become our first priority. We have become too comfortable with self-deprivation, and we often compromise the things that are really important to us. Self-care is what fundamentally keeps us healthy, because, as human beings, we actually require a lot more than food, water, and shelter. To feel alive and well, we need space to realize our purpose, and we need to come from a space of financial security, relationship peace, and nourishing surroundings.

Another common behavior in our society is to priority the wellbeing of other people over ourselves. This could be a spouse, children, friends, other family members, or even complete strangers.

Every time we board an airplane, we hear “put on your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else”. Everyone understands this concept in context, but we often miss the concept everywhere else. To be effective in anything, we must be vigilant in prioritizing our own authentic self-care. You will be a better wife, if you prioritize your own happiness instead of showing up miserable and empty, trying to make him happy. You will be a better mother if your children watch you unapologetically honor your own need for rest, camaraderie, or space, even if it means telling them “no”, for something they want to do.

In order to be the best that we can be in literally any and every role we play in our lives, we MUST care for ourselves FIRST.

What are the benefits of self-care?

We constantly hear about living our “life’s purpose” right? Do we usually discover that through our crazy 9-5 schedule? No, we discover what makes us feel alive when we allow ourselves some soul space, rest, and reflection. And no, I’m not talking about tv. ;-)

When we honor our own need for our own time, energy, and attention, we get to live proactively, instead of reactively. Think about it. When life is lived constantly jumping from one task to another, there is no time to plan or reflect upon what is important. Everything becomes a reaction to what we are experiencing. We allow ourselves the time to reflect upon our values and determine how we want to spend this life and each precious moment that is given to us. When we take the time for self-care, we begin to live in flow with life, instead of forcing all of the tasks that we think we “should” do.

Living this way can feel counter-intuitive in our crazy busy culture, but take a minute to think about what you will remember in five years. Will you remember the paperwork you completed? The long hours at work? Time with your child? An adventure that you took with your husband? Self-care forces us to refocus on the things that are most valuable in life.

What are the consequences of not participating in self-care?

When we don’t participate in self-care, we deny ourselves the most essential and basic needs that we have. When we don’t allow ourselves to live authentically, we become burnt out, resentful, and lost.

When we are constantly trying to pour from an empty cup, not only do we suffer but everyone around us does too. Everyone flourishes when we come from a space of abundance and freely give of our excess.

The biggest and saddest outcome I see in people who choose not to develop their self-care is depression, hopelessness, helplessness, and resentment. When people do not take care of their own needs, they keep themselves at the mercy of others and their environment to do it for them. Unfortunately, this almost never works out and self-deprivation becomes a way of life. Misery ensues and life is lived as a victim, instead of being self-empowered.

What do you see as the biggest challenges for people trying to achieve self-care?

Being afraid to let go of something holding them back. Attachment.

The more attached we are to something, the more it can become a barrier to our own wellbeing. It could be a relationship that does not nourish us, a job that does not fulfill us, a car that keeps us in debt, or so many things that cause us to compromise our own values and best interest. When we are willing to give up anything and everything that stands in the way of caring for the biggest gift we were ever given (LIFE), we are truly capable of honoring our potential and living to the very fullest.

Commit to ENJOYING your life and ridding yourself fully of anything that compromises your self-care. You are worth it. ;-)

Break the Financial Chains

Here in America, we are encouraged to take out credit cards, loans, and mortgages regularly. Debt is the norm and 80% of Americans have it. The average household debt is $130,922. Approximately 70% of all cars are purchased with a loan. The overwhelming majority of homeowners have a mortgage. Despite all of these horrifying statistics, we continue to be hounded to buy more. According to a Yankelovich study, the average American is exposed to over 300 ads per day. We are bombarded with pressure to buy things everywhere - billboards, magazines, tv, radio, mail, by phone, and even at your front door. Companies are not shy to ask, and even demand, your business. 

Companies may not be shy, but many of us are embarrassed and ashamed to discuss our financial woes. Many of us feel isolated and alone in our sea of debt, and we desperately try to keep up the appearance that everything is ok. Debt, in so many ways, allows us to keep up the illusion that we own a nice home, drive a great car, and can afford our daily Starbucks. No one ever has to know that everything has a monthly payment attached. 

So, what's the big deal? Can't we all just get along with a little debt?

Many Americans do live with substantial debt successfully, for awhile. The problem with debt is that it requires mercilessly consistent payments. Get sick? Too bad. Your car payment won't wait. Getting married? Nope, you're not getting a break. Experience a major loss? Your mortgage won't be showing you any sympathy. Debt ensures that the endless working machine runs smoothly and keeps you showing up every day. The myth is that slavery was abolished in America. The difference today is we have the choice to become enslaved, or opt out. 

If you are one of the many Americans who are feeling weighed down by the heavy burden of debt, rest assured there is hope! It does take some work and dedication, but financial freedom is real! Taking steps toward freedom starts with education and writing a personalized financial plan. Hiring a coach and taking workshop courses can be beneficial in this process, no matter how deep you feel your financial hole is. I myself (Jill Landis) was in $30,000 dollars worth of debt, aside from my mortgage, when I started this process. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. Once a educated myself and put together a plan, I felt hopeful and inspired. It took me three years to become debt-free, minus the mortgage. I am now steadily chipping away at that. There is hope for everyone, regardless of the circumstances!

The benefits of living a debt-free life are endless. When an individual operates from a place of financial health, relationships improve, emotional security increases, and most importantly, personal freedom expands. From a place of financial freedom, a person is free to dream bigger than their 9 to 5. Perhaps you'd like to start a business. Rid yourself of the unease that comes with a heavy burden of debt. Are finances a topic of tension in your marriage? Get your financial future in order and watch how the peace and security in your relationship blossoms. There is nothing like the sweet taste of independence and freedom that comes from owing no one anything. 

How are you building your financial freedom? Do you have unaddressed debt that consistently drains your energy and attention? Do you have a financial plan for your future? How are you managing the resources that the universe has entrusted you with? 

Tell me all about it! I'd love to hear about your successes and challenges! 

I Don't Have Time

I have been thinking a lot about patience and delayed gratification. We live in a very busy culture that often does not have time to wait. I fall into this category so much more often than I wish were true. I am always rushing from one thing to the next, acutely aware of the time (or lack of it). I rarely have time to respond to all of the emails, phone calls, and texts I am continually bombarded with. I never got to experience adult life without being on-call 24/7; my cell phone waiting on edge to notify the next demands to me. At one time, I was overjoyed to possess the immediate access to my phone and I felt powerful to have the ability to contact anyone on a whim. As time continued however, my excitement over my glamorous cell phone has dwindled. It is now simply a representation of constant, overwhelming demands for response. It is another facet of this culture that keeps me continually busy.

We all know stress is killing us, yet it is an addiction this culture is loath to be rid of. We all have some place to be, some chore to do, some work to be done. I am included in this madness. I often take a step back however, and think to myself that this is completely unnatural. I wonder what it would be like if the animals behaved like we do - rushing from here to there - doing mostly meaningless tasks frantically. What is it that we are so frantically seeking? This is a question I hate asking honestly because the answers are usually so trivial. We seek money, popularity, status, success, fear, debt, and "stuff". Rarely to I find a person on a pursuit of peace, love, community, simplicity, and fulfillment because, you see, those things are found in the opposite of busyness. A person rushing around frantically, cannot simultaneously be experiencing peace and simplicity. They are diametrically opposed.

In observing this busy madness, immediate gratification was become a necessity. It takes conscious, intentional action to combat its ugly grip on humanity. We are chained to canned and boxed foods, microwaves, factory farms, pharmaceuticals, credit cards, loans, ready-made clothing, childcare, and instant entertainment. The art of relationships, gardening, cooking, sewing, saving, parenting, and independent creation is quickly becoming extinct. Because we don't have time. We all need it now. We are easily sacrificing the quality of our lives because there is no time to spend on the things that matter. A small example was my own struggle with eating well. I was determined to stop eating out and to begin eating whole foods. Yet over and over I got knocked down due to my lack of time. I would leave for work without a plan and come lunch time, convenience got its way. I would grab something quick to eat that was inconsistent with my goals and I would feel like a failure. It was only when I took control of my priorities and my time, set aside a day a week for cooking, and packed my lunches ahead of time, that I began to succeed. This is one example of what it takes to defy immediate gratification and practice patience.

So, what of delayed gratification? Does patience exist in this busy, rushing, stressed out world? I believe patience requires a shift, not only of perspective, but of action. Peace, patience, and happiness are the antithesis of busyness and stress. Our lives cannot be modeled by greed and fear and money. At the end of life, no one wants to look back and find the only accomplishments worth noting are money and success. Real value does not come by way of this rat race. It is not accomplished by one tv dinner after another. Anything of substance requires patience and constantly putting our busy schedules in check. There is no time for mindless activities and meaningless errands. Our lives are short! We get an average of 70 years and we never get a second back. There is no rewind button and no do-overs. I do not want to waste my time chasing things that do not add to my time here, how about you? I want to get the most out of my experiences and stop being ruled by immediate gratification.

How do you stop the pull of busyness in your life? Are you governed by work, money, debt, and errands? How do you set boundaries and create space for the things that are truly valuable to you? I would love to hear about it. Please start the conversation below or email me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Inhale 2015, Exhale 2014

It is a new year again! I LOVE the feeling of newness and excitement. I just can't help but feel motivated as the year turns over and the energy refreshes me. I feel grateful by reflecting on all of the happiness, and fears, and courage, and LIFE 2014 gave me. I also feel drawn toward the freshness and promise of a new year with so many possibilities. 2015 has this wonderful blank page just waiting for the words I choose to write. It will have some unexpected turns and some surprises. I am sure I will cry some tears and I will lose my patience, but I will be given gifts that I didn't know existed and I will learn wisdom unique to my own place, time, and being.

I hear a lot of negativity about resolutions and what New Year's represents, as this day draws closer. I have a feeling that many of those comments are motivated by fear. Fear of forgetting. Fear of falling short. Fear of losing inspiration. Fear of failing again. How many people don't want to reach for a new goal because they have been there, done that? It didn't work. Fear is a powerful thing. It wants you to stay whipped. It wants to to forget about making goals and dreaming up possibilities. It wants you to feel threatened by your resolutions.

So, what about those possibilities? You have just as much a chance of success as you do failure. Your biggest hopes and your biggest fears have an equal chance of happening. Which ones do you allow to bounce around in your head? Which ones do you feel overwhelmed by? Is it exciting to set resolutions and watch as the outcome unfolds?

Here is the question: What is to lose by setting new resolutions?

The worst that could happen is...? Nothing changes. If you accomplish absolutely none of your resolutions, you would end up exactly as you are today (perhaps even a little wiser), and that's not a failure. But the cool thing is it would be hard to write a list of goals without actually conquering at least one of them. So set your resolutions. And redefine them over and over throughout the year. Goals are cool because they are never set in stone. They are flexible. You are the director and you get to set the direction... or change direction. Resolutions are only scary and threatening if you have forgotten that you are in charge. In charge of your goals and in charge of your LIFE.

The year is going to be filled with unexpected things and brand new opportunities. You are going to change. So many things are not controllable, but the choices we have in each moment are not insignificant. It is time, this first day of the year, to get prepared for the choices we will make and chart the course we would like to take. Don't react to the waves as they come but rather set your sails proactively, in wisdom. The course of your life is driven by your intention.

So, what resolutions do you have for 2015? Are you dreaming of personal changes, career changes, school, family, relationships, discipline? I hope that you have big dreams and are inspired to life fully this year! Please share your thoughts and start the conversation below or send me an email at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Letting go of the old year, Bringing in the New. 2015!

2014 Reflections:

Our first year married was even more awesome than I could ever imagine.

In January, I started work at Brighter Future Health as a social worker where I get to work with the best team I have ever worked with. I am so grateful for my employers.

My own business, In Tune Wellness, has continued to develop and become a defined force in my life. I am loving the learning process.

February was a warm spot in the winter. We went to Jamaica and had a blast.

Apollo (my Boxer) had to have two cancerous spots removed. I cried. I could tell he really hurt and all I could do was hold him.

This spring, I was able to visit my lovely grandmother and it was wonderful.

Also this spring - I poured my heart and soul into my garden and it gave back ten fold. I am planning on doing it all over again soon.

In May, we went to Yellowstone because it is our yearly tradition and we love that place. It never gets old.

This summer was quiet. Dan (my husband) had intense stomach issues and was bed ridden for most of it. We both missed camping but are soooo ready to bring it on this year!

I had so. many. beautiful. walks. this summer.

August was my third anniversary in recovery. I couldn't be more grateful.

Dan and I went to Cancun in September. Again. We really can't stay away from that place because, well, it's just perfect.

Dan's best friend got married in October and he got to be the "reverend". Haha - it was great.

Harvest was intense. I spent days in the kitchen, canning.

Fall was beautiful, but Dan had some health scares I could have done without. My biggest fears are pretty much gone but I get to remember to live one day at a time and enjoy my best friend in this moment.

I cooked my heart out this holiday season and made so much food pretty much everyone is sick of eating...

Christmas was more than I could ask for. More Love than a person needs, warmth, home, good people surrounding me, and my best friend and husband to share it all with. Oh, and I got a piano. That is a great addition to our home.

The New Year - that's tomorrow. I am excited to clear out all of the old energy in my life. I am cleaning out my home and organizing. I am freshening up my rooms and getting rid of things that have gotten old. I am renewing goals that have gotten fuzzy and picking up books that have gotten dusty. I am maintaining my visions for good health and tightening up my discipline. I am cleaning up relationships and redefining my priorities. Kindness, Love and Patience are my goals for 2015. I hope you all feel as blessed as I do!!!

Changes, Honesty, and Acceptance

Life is fluid. Changing. You will never step into the same river twice. And our journey through life demands a constant will to adapt. This requires honesty and unwavering dedication to see reality for what it is, instead of forcing a fantasy that will never be. We all have those fairy tales and dreams we are fighting for, and sometimes, telling ourselves they are real is the best we can do. Once we can peel away a layer of our fantasies and step out of our illusions for just a second, that is where the change has a chance to begin. We must be aware of our reality and what is true before we can take action.

Throughout my life, I have had moments where I am barely hanging on and moments where I am unshakable. I have been unspeakably happy and I have been wounded and devastated. Despite all of my efforts to force my own will and dreams upon life, it has always had a plan of its own. My part is to open my arms with gratitude and flow with the direction that is revealed to me, no matter what that direction is. It requires an honest look at reality, acceptable of that reality, and a will to work on myself and take action. I never know what is coming next. Sometimes, I am shocked at how blessed I am. Other times, I must grieve and labor to accept the things revealed.

There are so many things that can threaten the life I think I want. There are money problems, work problems, family problems, conflicts, and personal struggles that can all upset my idea of "perfection" and "happiness". I have felt pretty good, at times, with pushing through these difficulties and enjoying the journey. Life has given me a greater challenge recently and I am having trouble accepting it. It is scary. It is threatening. It could change my life - change me - significantly. I have two people in my life, who I dearly love, fighting for their lives. I am powerless over health. I do not get to choose whose heart beats, whose blood pumps, or which medicine will work. I only get to observe life and enjoy good health while it is given. I have taken it for granted in the past. I choose to relish it fully in the future.

We don't get to edit our time on this earth or rewind time lost on things that didn't matter. Time is constantly moving forward and we can choose to let it pass by, or stay in tune with each moment, cherishing those we love.

What takes your energy each day? Is it work? School? Worries? Money? Do you fully enjoy your children, family, and loved ones? Do you give your own life your best, or what's left?

Start the conversation below or send me an email at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Master or Slave

Today, I want to talk about a very scary issue that has caused so much damage and grief in my life. That topic is Finances. Throughout the last year I feel like I have gained so much clarity about finances in my own life and how it fits into the bigger picture.

My experience with money has been mainly bad. It has been used as a tool to manipulate me, control me, and punish me. It has been stolen from me and it has been used to take advantage of me. And there has never, EVER, been enough of it. In working with my mentor, I have discovered that I have a huge resentment toward money and I hate the fact that it can affect my life so much. So, how to unravel all of these feelings and uncover the all of the positive that money can bring...

Money is simply an extension of self. Read that again. It is not bad, good, or moral. It is simply a manifestation of our decisions, discipline, and priorities. Often, when there is chaos and turmoil going on within, it will show in our finances. So it was for me. I had poor boundaries - I was stolen from (over and over). I had low self worth - I spent more money trying to rescue others than on my own self care. I had low self confidence - it was easy to manipulate me with money and hang it over my head. I felt powerless and helpless over my own money and future, therefore I manifested poor spending habits and choices. There are other examples but these are the most prominent. Now, imagine what happens when those inward battles begin to shift. Boundaries are set. Self care becomes a priority. Self confidence happens. Empowerment happens. And now, the finances start to look a little different...

"Money is an excellent slave or a horrible master."

Cleaning up my insides feels good and so does cleaning up my finances. It is hard being patient for change to take place in the area of financial success. Although attitudes and choices can change fairly quickly, finances often take years to clean up. You can dig a hole of debt in a year that can take ten years of dedication to pay off. Whatever the individual case may be, financial discipline is an opportunity to develop character and patience. It is also an opportunity to see how rewarding money can be. Money is unruly, but once I determined to refuse to be ruled by it, my life (and my money) changed.

I have been surprised to find that the abundance of money does not produce contentment and happiness; rather it is the lack of need for it.

When I am taking excellent care of myself and working on myself, I do not have the urge to shop for things I do not need. I do not care to indulge in needless food or unhealthy random purchases. I don't have to have a Starbucks coffee just because I left the house. I don't have the impulse to buy something simply because I haven't bought anything in awhile or because I am simply in a store. I cannot count the times I have recently walked into a store, grabbed a cart, looked for an item that I couldn't find, and then I was ok to WALK OUT WITH NOTHING. A few years ago I would have made sure to buy something just because I was in the store. Sometimes, I didn't even like what I was buying. Today, my financial wellbeing is more important and rewarding. And it feels so good.

Today, I can honor myself through paying off debts and regularly paying myself (saving). I don't have to be dependent on others because I have planned for the future. I don't have to worry about people taking advantage of me because I have the ability to say "no" when something doesn't honor me. I don't have to rescue others with my money because I don't have to prove I am a good person that way. I don't have to spend in order feel in control of my life because today I make empowered choices that don't make me feel helpless. I can't say that money feels entirely great yet, but it is feeling better and better. One day, I expect to have a fantastic and healthy relationship with money and my relationship with myself improves.

What has money helped you discover about yourself? Is your relationship with money damaged, or have you successfully developed a loving interaction? Is money your master, or your slave? I would love to hear your thoughts below or in a message at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Summer Expecations

So many things have been on my mind. Which means you all will probably get an earful shortly. Haha...

This summer has been exactly the opposite of my expectations. My plans were to do lots and LOTS of camping. My plans were to visit my dad in Montana and enjoy the mountains in Glacier National Park. My plans were to spend a few days adventuring with my husband backpacking the Sawtooths. My plans were... just plans. God had a different journey for me this summer. I have been grounded at home - stuck with all the wonderful aspects of my sanctuary of my home and the disappointment of letting my  scripted plans go. At the beginning of the summer, everything looked promising. My husband seemed to be well mended from the autoimmune illness he has battled with and was so well that he had even begun bodybuilding again. That's when Life stepped in. New stepson: Bam. Pancreatitis: Bam. Diverticulitis: Bam. It's a game changer...

This summer has required my husband and I to be near a bathroom and a hospital 24/7. I had heard the words Pancreatitis and Diverticulitis before but had absolutely no knowledge of the damage they could do or the radical lifestyle changes they required. My husband can no longer eat so many things. No fat. No oil. No dairy. No gluten. No nuts or seeds... what's left right? I suddenly feel guilty for enjoying so many of my own meals that he can never touch again. On top of my husband's new health complications, we now have the joy of welcoming a new addition to the Landis family. My husband and I decided to embark on a new parenting journey with my 17 year old stepson. So instead of a carefree summer of adventuring and mountain serenity, life did what it so often does: it required adjustment, learning, and growth.

My point in sharing this is not to invoke pity or sadness. It is to share my learning (or rather re-learning) of an important lesson: relying on plans to dictate your journey may cause disappointment. Expectations often lead to resentment or attempts to fight reality. I had to let go of my desires for the summer and open my eyes to the other things summer might hold for me. I got to do lots of gardening (which I LOVE). I got to can and cook to my little heart's content. I got to enjoy my work a little extra. I got to enjoy my cozy home a little more than usual. I got to learn about my stepson. I got to enjoy extra time with my husband. I GOT TO AND I GET TO. It just wasn't what I had created in my mind in anticipation of summer. Life brings us gifts constantly, but we must be willing to accept what those gifts are and look for them regularly. I am grateful for a life that is always surprising me and bringing me new challenges. It makes me feel alive.

Are there plans in your life that you have struggled to let go of? Do you expect an outcome before life has unfolded it before you? How are you with adjusting to the will of Life instead of forcing your own desires? I would love to hear about it. Please start the conversation below or send me a message at defytheaverage@gmail.com

The Journey of the Past

The past is full of fears, regrets, memories, and smiles. It is both pleasant and painful. I could never have dreamed my life would have held the twists and turns it did. You can plan and force your way through life, or you can simply enjoy the universe as it unfolds your journey in front of you. I tried, for a time, to impose my will on my life but the way of nature only laughed.

I miss some things I lost along the way. I miss people. I miss friends. I miss ideas. I miss ideals washed away by reality. Sometimes, I miss ignorance.

Some people were only with me for awhile and fell away with each chapter of my life as I grew. Some friends are still mysteries to me. Some, I thought, would be with me forever as kindred souls yet some strange force pulled them away. Some, are silently angry and will not tell me what grievance has come between us. Some, are just too busy.

Thoughts in my head have spun in circles beginning with severe confidence and ending in humble questions. As a teen, life had but to unfold in my hands and the world was at my command. My mind was rigid and brainwashed, a robotic version of budding human awakening. As a young adult, friends and education pried open my mind and allowed me to experience some of the "gray" areas, and loads of fun and laughter. As a working woman, life's tragedy hit me like a ton of bricks and I became wincingly aware of the evil humans participate in daily. I heard the cry of the poor, vulnerable, and unloved. Today, illusions have been stripped away and I realize the gravity of our human plight, the fragility of the earth, and the infinite deception of mankind. I know more truth than I ever have, but I have lost so many beautiful lies along the way...

I have learned to dig for truth. I have learned to never be so sure that I do not question. I have learned life can be lonely for a season and it can be full of friends. I have learn intimacy is always waiting for me. I have learned for sure there are no guarantees and everything is subject to change. We never step in the same river twice, I will never step out in the same sunshine and I will never kiss my same husband's lips twice. I am grateful for my experience today and for the change that brought me here - painful, delightful, challenging, and revealing - woven together. I have found love, wisdom, life, growth, ideas, and reality. And I am not even half way through yet! This time I do not even pretend to know what this crazy world intends to teach me next. I do know I expect it to be profound and wonderful.

What has life taught you so far? What do you miss most from your journey? And what is next for you? Please let me know and post your thoughts below. Or you can message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Thank you for reading!

Depression

The last month or so (time feels like such a blur), I have struggled to shake a darkness that imposes itself upon me ever so often. I have always been a low energy person and it can feel difficult to complete the most basic of tasks. Sometimes, my daily duties seem overwhelming and more than I can bear - even though they are not more than they ever have been. When this cloud descends on me, I feel ashamed because I know my life is good - more than good - and I am more than blessed, and yet I feel overwhelmed and deeply discontent. Today I know that when I walk through those days, I am simply experiencing what I know is depression.

It can hit me when life is wonderful and motivating - totally out of the blue. I am very lucky and so very thankful to have a supportive husband who will let me cry on his shoulder for no apparent reason. That probably means more to me than anything he could possibly do. His mere loving presence is my biggest consolation. No amount of love or support however, can take away the depth of loneliness only time can ease. Every part of my life feels unbelievably challenging and impossible. Just to conserve what little energy I have, I isolate. I retreat into my own little world mixed with a little music, outdoors, animals, and internet. I remind myself that it will only last a short time and the sunshine will shine out of me again soon.

I know I am not the only one with this human condition. I get to help others everyday get through their own mental tribulations and need for peace. I empathize with their pain. I appreciate the depth it gives humanity. Yes, even in depression there are positives. All of that time in my head gives me perspective and creates a melting pot of knowledge building within me just waiting until I am able to let it out once again. I know others have this gift also, if they only have the strength to wield it. It feels like a weight too heavy for a time - like the pressure needed to create a precious stone. When it is finished, relief washes through and life feels light again, only with more beauty than before. Hold on my dear friends. Your sun is almost in sight.

If you understand my thoughts and bear the same struggles, please join the conversation. Share your own experiences and feelings. We would all love to hear about it and gain strength from you. Please comment below or send a message to defytheaverage@gmail.com

A Question of Love

I do not care much for getting into religious debates or challenging people's faith. I used to as a teenager who had something to prove - but peace has become a valuable commodity for me today. I respect that people are on a journey constantly struggling within themselves about how this life works and why. We all come to different conclusions that seem to make sense and most importantly - make us feel secure. Recently (not by my own choice) I have had to think more than usual about religion and what it means for our world. My husband has been delving into loads of information about the history and sources of any and all religions possible. Consequently, I have benefitted from his studies.

I used to consider myself religious up until around age 20 - then I dropped all the titles and decided that simply having a spiritual relationship with the one I call God fit me better. My background is strictly Christian and that is what makes me ponder so much today. I have a growing intensity of sadness about how religion has done the opposite of what so many of them have set out to do. For instance, I grew up constantly studying the Bible - but why did I never hear my church say "Jesus showed love to murderers and thieves, so we are going to show love and peace to prisoners this week," or "Jesus ate with the sick, poor, and sinful, so this week we are going to invite the homeless over for dinner and make friends with a prostitute."? The word LOVE is mentioned 551 times in the Bible. Yet I am ashamed to say I cannot look back and say that is what I saw.

My experience is limited. I cannot personally speak for any other religions than what I saw myself, and even Christianity can be very different depending on the church and people. A short time of honest study reveals religions all have a checkered and often shameful past. There is violence, torture, and killing. There is stealing, selfishness, and conquering. All in the name of their god. It is nauseating to turn the pages of history and see the horrors. It all makes me want to stop the course of the book and begin a fresh one - one where we get to rewind back to the love that our God showed us how to live. A start where we choose not to deviate from peace, harmony, love, and consideration. Can religion fit in those pages? Sure! But can we please leave out the hate, judgment, superiority, intolerance, violence, and fear?? That's what would be beautiful to see moving forward. Do you agree?

How has religion shaped and changed your life? Were you raised to believe in a particular manner? Are you free to ask what questions your heart whispers? How does an honest look at history affect your beliefs? What do you wish to see in religion in the future?

The Human Condition

I have been thinking a lot about human behavior lately - why we make the choices we do, why we have the beliefs we do, and what the motivation is for our behavior. There is so much that I have puzzled over for years and still don't have the answers. All I have now are a few observations. Of course, many people have books full of opinions about behavior and it will take me a lifetime to read all of the valuable information out there. I would love to hear all of your thoughts and experiences as well.

Growing up, I heard a lot of discussion about people's choices. It was easy to condemn others' decisions to get high, have sex, get pregnant, be "lazy", etc... I still hear all the same condemnation around me today, but I can't help but pay attention to the very opposite feelings that well up inside me when I am faced with "those" behaviors people do. The judgment I hear at first glance can sound reasonable - sort of a "well he was asking for it when he made that choice" attitude. After many years of observing human nature for myself, I believe very deeply that humans choose very little and judgment bestowed is very harsh. We seem to be compelled to action by the variety of intense emotions we feel constantly. And I'm not just talking about the outcasts of society. I'm talking about every one of us. I know many people that claim to base their decisions on nothing but objective and logical truth, only to see them conveniently fit their "logic" around their own feelings and desires. We seem to be a wonderful judge of the potential choices others, but are completely crippled when it comes to being an unbiased critic and director of our own lives.

I am still baffled by this seemingly unavoidable denial and blindness. I am all the more convinced we must be vigilant in our own lives to be painstakingly honest. As wonderful and beautiful as our emotions and feelings are, they can sway our behavior in ways many of us are oblivious to. It is a great realization however, to understand the seemingly irrational spontaneity of others is simply a reflection of the way I behave at times. It is not beneficial to judge the behavior we see but the observation of it is powerful, because we get a glimpse of the insanity that exists in our own lives. When I look back over my own life in this way, I get to see my flaws determined by the intense pull of my feelings and emotions that seemed logical at the time.

It is dangerous to limit your self awareness by claiming you are logical and base your actions only on objective information. Dig deep and practice honesty as you take a new look at the actions that have created the tapestry of your life. Ponder the feelings you felt. Experience the emotion again. Realize the impulsivity that has changed your life and made you who you are. Release the judgment and excuses. Try and see your neighbors in a new light. Perhaps we aren't so different. Perhaps we all live with the blessing (and sometimes curse) of being created with intense and powerful emotions. So step into their shoes and practice a little less judgment. It is a beautiful experience. Judgment is a heavy burden based in misunderstanding that we can choose to trade for understanding of the human condition we experience equally. And who wants a burden anyway when the light of wisdom is at your fingertips?

How have you been limited in your beliefs about your own actions? Have you judged others' behavior because you misunderstand them? Can you choose honesty and understanding today? Let me hear about it in the conversation here or in a message to defytheaverage@gmail.com

Reset

It feels so good to be home. I have been getting back into the routine of my life here after a trip with my husband. Whenever I go through a change in my routine, I tend to naturally see my surroundings a little differently. It doesn't have to be a trip: just a shift in some aspect of my surroundings and activities. If I am sensitive to the change around me, it helps me appreciate what I have and be the best I can be. Changes in my life essentially help me hit a reset button.

I used to hate change and still find it uncomfortable. Even things that are good changes. Initially, it was strange for me to travel with my husband. I never realized how fixated I was on my work, ambitions, and day to day activities. Even though traveling seemed fun, it meant "having time" to leave my very busy life here. It meant a huge change of pace and scenery. Boy was I limiting myself. I will never ever get this time again. I am so glad that my husband - over and over again - has pushed me to save whatever money we can, take time off work, and experience some life changes (and a break). Although I love seeing new cultures and observing new people, what I really love and what moves me the most is getting a chance to "reset". I never understood what getting a break could really do for me. I seriously had not allowed myself to take a day off, just for fun, for years. Actually, not since I became an adult working full time...

Take a little time to experience something different than the usual. It's not earth shattering - but it seemed to be for me. By stepping aside from my usual routine, I was delighted to make a new discovery. Instead of returning to a feeling of being behind - instead of stress - I would come back motivated and thankful for even the small things in my life. I looked forward to getting back to the gym instead of dreading it. I had a refreshed passion to pour into my clients. I found myself going through clothes and jewelry, and organizing closets, and getting rid of unneeded possessions. How ridiculous that I ever pushed away an opportunity to clear my head and reset my life! I am so grateful to have discovered such a powerful tool. I believe we all need to be "reset" once in awhile to gain some perspective. A little gratitude. A little happiness. A little change. 

I realize traveling just isn't an option for many people. It wasn't for me for most of my life. Change has always been an option, however. Go experience something different. Maybe take a mini trip to the mountains (my personal, absolute favorite), or go on a small road trip. The most elaborate trips in the world do not compare to a simple, couple day drive through Yellowstone, or Glacier National Park. No matter who you are, there are some hidden options for you waiting to be discovered. Rest and refreshing is awaiting you. Please take it. Your life will thank you for it.

How are you living your life? Are you refreshed and motivated? Or are you tired and disgruntled with things? Can you allow yourself a break from the routine? Let me know your thoughts here or at defytheaverage@gmail.com

The Power of Thought

The last few months I have really zoned in on a newly discovered truth. It's not really that I was unaware of it before, but I never really considered it's importance. Positivity. Optimism. Faith. It doesn't take a genius to know these qualities are good and of course I always viewed them as wonderful things. I took their power for granted, however.

What energy do you feel when you discuss poverty? Racism? Cruelty? Hate? They are very real things that our world experiences, sure. But how do you feel when you simply think about them? I get chills. I get enraged. I get overwhelmed. I feel powerless. My life, my energy, and my sense of wellbeing are shaken to the core when my mind is consumed with tragedy and negativity. And I don't think I am the only one...

So what about delightful things? How do Love, Peace, Trust, Hope and Fairness make you feel? What kind of energy surrounds you when your mind is filled with these things? I am instantly flooded with relaxation and tension leaves my body. I feel light. I feel the urge of possibility. I feel poised to take action. There is power in thoughts of life and love. And we get to choose what to focus on. We choose what to let in, and what to keep out.

The energy of our thoughts hold potential. If we can collectively, intentionally choose to think of optimism and hope, think of the energy our world would be filled with! When the focus turns from poverty to hope, from hate to peace, maybe in that it will be fulfilled. We will receive more of what we focus on - what we pour our energy into. Place your thoughts and energy on problems and what will you get? More problems. Pour your life into healing and love, and you will find more of that will seem to find you. I want to bring more love to this world. There are beautiful beings here. There is a brilliant and beaming world waiting for a stage. Let's kick the woe and sorrow off the stage and let beauty have the spotlight!

What will you choose to think on? What energy do you wish to bring to this world? Where is your focus usually? Let me know your thoughts in the conversation here or in a message to defytheaverage@gmail.com

Expect not, Want not.

I think we have all heard that little phrase "expect not, want not" at some time in our lives. I never really soaked up the meaning of it until the last few years however, when life did not allow me to ignore it any longer. Expectations and demands are so natural to have of life, people, work, yourself... everything. But are they helping or hindering your relationships and your life?

I have a little saying I remind myself of now when I am attached to the outcome of a situation: "expectations are premeditated resentments." If I expect that a friend will never gossip about me, that a co-worker will always do their share, that my husband will never criticize - I have set myself up for some major disappointments. I even see the horrible affects of very high expectations of self. In fact, I think the object of people's highest expectations is of themselves. I have been guilty of expecting unrealistic things of myself such as being able to work a full time job, go to full time school, have a relationship, have friends, start a business or non-profit or some big project... of course all at the same time... and the list could go on. So what is the harm in expecting a lot from yourself? I see so many clients (especially women) build their list of things they "should" be doing, only to feel like a failure and someone who is unproductive. Their "failure" to be all of the things they expect becomes an excuse to verbally and mentally abuse themselves in the most unkind ways.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a lot out of life. We should, because life is abundantly full of lovely experiences, people, and achievements. Somehow, expectations seem to drive us further from all of the loveliness and closer to misery and bitterness. The expectations of others is pretty much useless because we have absolutely no control over others' behavior. None. If you don't like something another person is doing that affects you, by all means share your feelings and stand up for your needs. Do that, knowing that you are being true to yourself - not that they are going to change. Because they very well might not. And they are allowed to. If you don't like it and cannot be the best version of you around their behavior, remove them from your life. Most of our expectations however, are just that - our own idea of what other ought to be doing. Step away from your judgment for a moment and see the dignity of their own decisions. They may be happy with the way things are.

Expectations of yourself are another beast entirely. You do have some control over yourself and your own behavior, so it is right to focus your attention there. Do not sacrifice joy and gentleness for your high expectations however, because you will find your life disappeared and left only disappointment. Enjoy the moment you have right now and be the best version of self you can be, with no judgment. Before you know it, the world will be at your fingertips. You will have joy in every day and you will be fulfilling the dreams you never knew you had. It may not include some grandios degree or job or superwoman powers, but you will be present and displaying your best version of you - with no expectations. Flow with your life and allow opportunities to unfold naturally instead of planning your life out and creating a wake of resentment when things don't go the way you wished. Trade your expectations for the day for enjoyment of the gifts life has given you.

What have you been expecting of others? Yourself? Have you created resentments? What is your next move now? Can you accept your day today without any expectations and just simply enjoy the gifts? Start the conversation here or in a message to me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Secrets

We all have a few of them. The challenge is to get rid of them: Secrets. I'm not talking about secrets like the ones your little sister told you about the night she was embarrassed she ripped her skirt... I'm talking about the deadly ones that destroy your peace of mind and genuineness. We all have a deep need to be authentic and secrets rob us of that. Secrets like: abuse, addiction, sickness, betrayal... We may feel like we are being a good friend or a loyal mate, but at what expense?

You are only as sick as your secrets. Not only could secrets be harming your loved one - they are harming you. I learned this the hard way. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a man who struggled with addictions. Attempting to save face for him and thinking no one understood, I would cover for him constantly. I would make excuses, sometimes even lie to his probation officer, and most of importantly I would hide my own pain. The longer I kept his secrets, the more isolated and miserable I became. I lost friends because I felt like I could not talk honestly about what was going on in my life. I stopped going out with people or making plans. It took too much energy to try to hang out with others when I knew I would have to defend and excuse my boyfriend's behavior the whole time. I was trapped. I was lonely. I was resentful.

I am not saying we should share everyone's business and air out dirty laundry that is not our own. Obviously, this is harmful all by itself. There are safe places to share things that bother you and are making you sick. For me, that place was AlAnon. I could share freely about what was happening around me and could rest knowing that my hurt and pain would never be shared elsewhere. There were some secrets I had to give up completely and openly - no matter if I felt they were embarrassing. I had to tell my boyfriend that I would never lie to his probation officer again. I had to tell him I would never hide alcohol for him. Those were hard things to say, but I felt lighter just knowing those things were no longer my burden.

In order for me to have healthy friendships, I had to stop making excuses for anyone else's behavior. I put the focus back on my own business and if anyone asked about things that were "secrets" I was honest or simply stated that it wasn't my business to share and that they should ask that person. It is a wonderful thing when honesty floods a person's life. Without honesty, relationships cannot flourish and self care comes to a screeching halt. My illusion that keeping secrets made me a loyal person was a lie that poisoned my soul for a very long time. I could not understand why I became depressed and lost, until I reached out to embrace truth above everything and everyone. I was only as sick as my secrets kept me. You cannot be authentic and keep secrets at the same time.

Do you struggle with keeping secrets? Are they affecting you - poisoning you? Do you keep yourself from others because you are ashamed of what you are hiding? Let me know about how you maintain your honesty. Leave a comment here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Reality

How do you know your life is real? Is it because you can see your reflection in the mirror? Because you can hear your children talking? Or maybe because you can feel the material things around you? How can you know for sure? Plato asks “How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?" Plato's questions are intriguing. It brings us to a rude awareness of our very personal sense of realness.

We each were created with 5 senses (6 if you believe in intuition like I do), and these senses are the guides we were given to interpret our realities. Because these senses are not experienced collectively, how can we tell if what we experience is the same as our neighbor? Philip K Dick explains it beautifully: "If reality differs from person to person, can we speak of reality singular, or shouldn't we really be talking about plural realities? And if there are plural realities, are some more true (more real) than others?" This is a truth we must begin to acknowledge. Our own reality is only a sliver of the collective. I will never get to experience life in another person's skin. I will never see through another person's eyes. The only reality I will ever know is encased in this single mind. 

Why is this important? What is the significance? If every person has the potential of experiencing life entirely different from myself, shouldn't this knowledge allow me to extend understanding and even curiosity to others who experience very different feelings and opinions than I do? I believe when we begin to realize the complexity of what is very real to each individual, we have the ability to trade our judgment for a sense of awe. The fact that someone else experiences the same situations very differently than I do is not threatening to my feelings and opinions - it can only add to them. How beautiful that we get to see a broader perspective of reality but only by being open and truly listening to the experiences of others. In this way our judgment of any other opinion or feeling is absolutely crippling. We should be humbled by gratitude to be able to share our isolated and unique lives with other human beings!!

How can you acknowledge the validity and beauty of other's experiences today? Are you able to put aside your view of how your world works and really listen to the truth someone else experiences? Let me know how you feel about relying on only your 5 (or 6) senses to shape your world. Please comment below or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Mirror Mirror

Mirrors: we're surrounded by them. Not the one in your bathroom, but the one laying beside you in bed, or the one you work with, or your annoying little brother you've had for 20 years. People you interact with on a daily basis are constantly reflecting back to you ideas: some that make you feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket, and others that feel like you are slowly getting your fingernails ripped out. You know the feeling. That one most annoying trait in your best friend. The political viewpoint your co-worker has that you just can't stand listening to. The actions of your mother you observe and think "Doesn't she see how ridiculous she looks??" Well, mirror mirror, that's my reflection there?

Every experience we have is an opportunity to learn. We can choose to be aware and open, or we can choose to be blind and resistant. The mirrors in other people are simply a gift allowing us to learn and grow our self awareness. When we see something in someone we love that causes us to cringe, there is mirror reflecting our own limiting beliefs and shortcomings - if only we choose to see it. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to admit the truth in the mirror, but it is the most valuable tool you could ever learn from. So what is the mirror trying to teach?

There are two basic emotions that I feel when I interact with people: admiration and criticism. Of course, there are all different levels of this emotion but they are always there. When I am admiring a trait someone displays in the mirror, this is my environment affirming something that I like about myself - something I identify with. When I feel criticism, all sorts of nasty emotions and behaviors surface. I typically become defensive. I feel attacked sometimes. And I always feel the other person is wrong. The ironic thing is that mirror is showing me the very trait that I despise is within me. I do not have the ability to change the other person, but I do have the ability to search out that trait within myself and make peace with it. Notice I did not say get rid of it, I said make peace with it. Not all things that seem repulsive are negative. They may simply be uncomfortable and something you have been resisting seeing. Make peace with the things you are most judgmental towards.

The mirrors around you are not judgmental. They are objective and true. See the reflections whether they make you wince or not. Be honest with yourself about what they are telling you. And be gentle with yourself when you become aware of a new truth. Change is wonderful. Commend yourself for being brave enough to be honest and open to your reflections. The beautiful thing is when you accept what your reflection is telling you, you begin to feel love toward the person acting as your mirror. And we could all use a little more love. <3

What are your mirrors telling you? What defects have you been overlooking? How will you respond to your reflections? I would love to know. Start the conversation here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com