The Journey of the Past

The past is full of fears, regrets, memories, and smiles. It is both pleasant and painful. I could never have dreamed my life would have held the twists and turns it did. You can plan and force your way through life, or you can simply enjoy the universe as it unfolds your journey in front of you. I tried, for a time, to impose my will on my life but the way of nature only laughed.

I miss some things I lost along the way. I miss people. I miss friends. I miss ideas. I miss ideals washed away by reality. Sometimes, I miss ignorance.

Some people were only with me for awhile and fell away with each chapter of my life as I grew. Some friends are still mysteries to me. Some, I thought, would be with me forever as kindred souls yet some strange force pulled them away. Some, are silently angry and will not tell me what grievance has come between us. Some, are just too busy.

Thoughts in my head have spun in circles beginning with severe confidence and ending in humble questions. As a teen, life had but to unfold in my hands and the world was at my command. My mind was rigid and brainwashed, a robotic version of budding human awakening. As a young adult, friends and education pried open my mind and allowed me to experience some of the "gray" areas, and loads of fun and laughter. As a working woman, life's tragedy hit me like a ton of bricks and I became wincingly aware of the evil humans participate in daily. I heard the cry of the poor, vulnerable, and unloved. Today, illusions have been stripped away and I realize the gravity of our human plight, the fragility of the earth, and the infinite deception of mankind. I know more truth than I ever have, but I have lost so many beautiful lies along the way...

I have learned to dig for truth. I have learned to never be so sure that I do not question. I have learned life can be lonely for a season and it can be full of friends. I have learn intimacy is always waiting for me. I have learned for sure there are no guarantees and everything is subject to change. We never step in the same river twice, I will never step out in the same sunshine and I will never kiss my same husband's lips twice. I am grateful for my experience today and for the change that brought me here - painful, delightful, challenging, and revealing - woven together. I have found love, wisdom, life, growth, ideas, and reality. And I am not even half way through yet! This time I do not even pretend to know what this crazy world intends to teach me next. I do know I expect it to be profound and wonderful.

What has life taught you so far? What do you miss most from your journey? And what is next for you? Please let me know and post your thoughts below. Or you can message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Thank you for reading!

Depression

The last month or so (time feels like such a blur), I have struggled to shake a darkness that imposes itself upon me ever so often. I have always been a low energy person and it can feel difficult to complete the most basic of tasks. Sometimes, my daily duties seem overwhelming and more than I can bear - even though they are not more than they ever have been. When this cloud descends on me, I feel ashamed because I know my life is good - more than good - and I am more than blessed, and yet I feel overwhelmed and deeply discontent. Today I know that when I walk through those days, I am simply experiencing what I know is depression.

It can hit me when life is wonderful and motivating - totally out of the blue. I am very lucky and so very thankful to have a supportive husband who will let me cry on his shoulder for no apparent reason. That probably means more to me than anything he could possibly do. His mere loving presence is my biggest consolation. No amount of love or support however, can take away the depth of loneliness only time can ease. Every part of my life feels unbelievably challenging and impossible. Just to conserve what little energy I have, I isolate. I retreat into my own little world mixed with a little music, outdoors, animals, and internet. I remind myself that it will only last a short time and the sunshine will shine out of me again soon.

I know I am not the only one with this human condition. I get to help others everyday get through their own mental tribulations and need for peace. I empathize with their pain. I appreciate the depth it gives humanity. Yes, even in depression there are positives. All of that time in my head gives me perspective and creates a melting pot of knowledge building within me just waiting until I am able to let it out once again. I know others have this gift also, if they only have the strength to wield it. It feels like a weight too heavy for a time - like the pressure needed to create a precious stone. When it is finished, relief washes through and life feels light again, only with more beauty than before. Hold on my dear friends. Your sun is almost in sight.

If you understand my thoughts and bear the same struggles, please join the conversation. Share your own experiences and feelings. We would all love to hear about it and gain strength from you. Please comment below or send a message to defytheaverage@gmail.com