Expect not, Want not.

I think we have all heard that little phrase "expect not, want not" at some time in our lives. I never really soaked up the meaning of it until the last few years however, when life did not allow me to ignore it any longer. Expectations and demands are so natural to have of life, people, work, yourself... everything. But are they helping or hindering your relationships and your life?

I have a little saying I remind myself of now when I am attached to the outcome of a situation: "expectations are premeditated resentments." If I expect that a friend will never gossip about me, that a co-worker will always do their share, that my husband will never criticize - I have set myself up for some major disappointments. I even see the horrible affects of very high expectations of self. In fact, I think the object of people's highest expectations is of themselves. I have been guilty of expecting unrealistic things of myself such as being able to work a full time job, go to full time school, have a relationship, have friends, start a business or non-profit or some big project... of course all at the same time... and the list could go on. So what is the harm in expecting a lot from yourself? I see so many clients (especially women) build their list of things they "should" be doing, only to feel like a failure and someone who is unproductive. Their "failure" to be all of the things they expect becomes an excuse to verbally and mentally abuse themselves in the most unkind ways.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a lot out of life. We should, because life is abundantly full of lovely experiences, people, and achievements. Somehow, expectations seem to drive us further from all of the loveliness and closer to misery and bitterness. The expectations of others is pretty much useless because we have absolutely no control over others' behavior. None. If you don't like something another person is doing that affects you, by all means share your feelings and stand up for your needs. Do that, knowing that you are being true to yourself - not that they are going to change. Because they very well might not. And they are allowed to. If you don't like it and cannot be the best version of you around their behavior, remove them from your life. Most of our expectations however, are just that - our own idea of what other ought to be doing. Step away from your judgment for a moment and see the dignity of their own decisions. They may be happy with the way things are.

Expectations of yourself are another beast entirely. You do have some control over yourself and your own behavior, so it is right to focus your attention there. Do not sacrifice joy and gentleness for your high expectations however, because you will find your life disappeared and left only disappointment. Enjoy the moment you have right now and be the best version of self you can be, with no judgment. Before you know it, the world will be at your fingertips. You will have joy in every day and you will be fulfilling the dreams you never knew you had. It may not include some grandios degree or job or superwoman powers, but you will be present and displaying your best version of you - with no expectations. Flow with your life and allow opportunities to unfold naturally instead of planning your life out and creating a wake of resentment when things don't go the way you wished. Trade your expectations for the day for enjoyment of the gifts life has given you.

What have you been expecting of others? Yourself? Have you created resentments? What is your next move now? Can you accept your day today without any expectations and just simply enjoy the gifts? Start the conversation here or in a message to me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Secrets

We all have a few of them. The challenge is to get rid of them: Secrets. I'm not talking about secrets like the ones your little sister told you about the night she was embarrassed she ripped her skirt... I'm talking about the deadly ones that destroy your peace of mind and genuineness. We all have a deep need to be authentic and secrets rob us of that. Secrets like: abuse, addiction, sickness, betrayal... We may feel like we are being a good friend or a loyal mate, but at what expense?

You are only as sick as your secrets. Not only could secrets be harming your loved one - they are harming you. I learned this the hard way. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a man who struggled with addictions. Attempting to save face for him and thinking no one understood, I would cover for him constantly. I would make excuses, sometimes even lie to his probation officer, and most of importantly I would hide my own pain. The longer I kept his secrets, the more isolated and miserable I became. I lost friends because I felt like I could not talk honestly about what was going on in my life. I stopped going out with people or making plans. It took too much energy to try to hang out with others when I knew I would have to defend and excuse my boyfriend's behavior the whole time. I was trapped. I was lonely. I was resentful.

I am not saying we should share everyone's business and air out dirty laundry that is not our own. Obviously, this is harmful all by itself. There are safe places to share things that bother you and are making you sick. For me, that place was AlAnon. I could share freely about what was happening around me and could rest knowing that my hurt and pain would never be shared elsewhere. There were some secrets I had to give up completely and openly - no matter if I felt they were embarrassing. I had to tell my boyfriend that I would never lie to his probation officer again. I had to tell him I would never hide alcohol for him. Those were hard things to say, but I felt lighter just knowing those things were no longer my burden.

In order for me to have healthy friendships, I had to stop making excuses for anyone else's behavior. I put the focus back on my own business and if anyone asked about things that were "secrets" I was honest or simply stated that it wasn't my business to share and that they should ask that person. It is a wonderful thing when honesty floods a person's life. Without honesty, relationships cannot flourish and self care comes to a screeching halt. My illusion that keeping secrets made me a loyal person was a lie that poisoned my soul for a very long time. I could not understand why I became depressed and lost, until I reached out to embrace truth above everything and everyone. I was only as sick as my secrets kept me. You cannot be authentic and keep secrets at the same time.

Do you struggle with keeping secrets? Are they affecting you - poisoning you? Do you keep yourself from others because you are ashamed of what you are hiding? Let me know about how you maintain your honesty. Leave a comment here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Reality

How do you know your life is real? Is it because you can see your reflection in the mirror? Because you can hear your children talking? Or maybe because you can feel the material things around you? How can you know for sure? Plato asks “How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?" Plato's questions are intriguing. It brings us to a rude awareness of our very personal sense of realness.

We each were created with 5 senses (6 if you believe in intuition like I do), and these senses are the guides we were given to interpret our realities. Because these senses are not experienced collectively, how can we tell if what we experience is the same as our neighbor? Philip K Dick explains it beautifully: "If reality differs from person to person, can we speak of reality singular, or shouldn't we really be talking about plural realities? And if there are plural realities, are some more true (more real) than others?" This is a truth we must begin to acknowledge. Our own reality is only a sliver of the collective. I will never get to experience life in another person's skin. I will never see through another person's eyes. The only reality I will ever know is encased in this single mind. 

Why is this important? What is the significance? If every person has the potential of experiencing life entirely different from myself, shouldn't this knowledge allow me to extend understanding and even curiosity to others who experience very different feelings and opinions than I do? I believe when we begin to realize the complexity of what is very real to each individual, we have the ability to trade our judgment for a sense of awe. The fact that someone else experiences the same situations very differently than I do is not threatening to my feelings and opinions - it can only add to them. How beautiful that we get to see a broader perspective of reality but only by being open and truly listening to the experiences of others. In this way our judgment of any other opinion or feeling is absolutely crippling. We should be humbled by gratitude to be able to share our isolated and unique lives with other human beings!!

How can you acknowledge the validity and beauty of other's experiences today? Are you able to put aside your view of how your world works and really listen to the truth someone else experiences? Let me know how you feel about relying on only your 5 (or 6) senses to shape your world. Please comment below or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Mirror Mirror

Mirrors: we're surrounded by them. Not the one in your bathroom, but the one laying beside you in bed, or the one you work with, or your annoying little brother you've had for 20 years. People you interact with on a daily basis are constantly reflecting back to you ideas: some that make you feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket, and others that feel like you are slowly getting your fingernails ripped out. You know the feeling. That one most annoying trait in your best friend. The political viewpoint your co-worker has that you just can't stand listening to. The actions of your mother you observe and think "Doesn't she see how ridiculous she looks??" Well, mirror mirror, that's my reflection there?

Every experience we have is an opportunity to learn. We can choose to be aware and open, or we can choose to be blind and resistant. The mirrors in other people are simply a gift allowing us to learn and grow our self awareness. When we see something in someone we love that causes us to cringe, there is mirror reflecting our own limiting beliefs and shortcomings - if only we choose to see it. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to admit the truth in the mirror, but it is the most valuable tool you could ever learn from. So what is the mirror trying to teach?

There are two basic emotions that I feel when I interact with people: admiration and criticism. Of course, there are all different levels of this emotion but they are always there. When I am admiring a trait someone displays in the mirror, this is my environment affirming something that I like about myself - something I identify with. When I feel criticism, all sorts of nasty emotions and behaviors surface. I typically become defensive. I feel attacked sometimes. And I always feel the other person is wrong. The ironic thing is that mirror is showing me the very trait that I despise is within me. I do not have the ability to change the other person, but I do have the ability to search out that trait within myself and make peace with it. Notice I did not say get rid of it, I said make peace with it. Not all things that seem repulsive are negative. They may simply be uncomfortable and something you have been resisting seeing. Make peace with the things you are most judgmental towards.

The mirrors around you are not judgmental. They are objective and true. See the reflections whether they make you wince or not. Be honest with yourself about what they are telling you. And be gentle with yourself when you become aware of a new truth. Change is wonderful. Commend yourself for being brave enough to be honest and open to your reflections. The beautiful thing is when you accept what your reflection is telling you, you begin to feel love toward the person acting as your mirror. And we could all use a little more love. <3

What are your mirrors telling you? What defects have you been overlooking? How will you respond to your reflections? I would love to know. Start the conversation here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Don't Offend Me

How often we feel offended in this life. Our feelings can be hurt almost every turn we make and we can be affected so badly our day can be ruined. No matter how much you love or respect someone, you cannot control their words and you will always run the risk of being hurt. Then, there are plenty of people who say damaging things full well knowing you could be offended.

How can we go through life dealing with hurtful words without being dragged down by them? Don Miguel Ruiz explains an agreement we can make with ourselves to protect ourselves from taking other people's "poison". He suggests we don't take anything personally ever. "If I see you on the street and say 'Hey, you are so stupid,'... If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid." - Don Miguel Ruiz. The concept here is that people make opinions and judgments based on themselves not you. If someone thinks you are stupid, that has nothing to do with what is actually true - it has to do with their beliefs and what they are working out within themselves. If you choose to take on that belief, you have chosen to allow a "poison" to affect you to your core.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where we believe everything we hear and interact with is about us. Me, me, me. In reality, life unfolds in its way with of without us. People will have their opinions with or without us. When we realize this truth, we are free of others' opinions and beliefs. Whatever they see in us that is disagreeable to them is simply a mirror, reflecting something they are dealing with within themselves. Knowing this frees us to never take another's opinion of us personally. If someone accuses you of being stupid, fat, morally depraved, or any number of things, it is your choice to take that on as truth, or let it go, knowing something within you made them uncomfortable and it had nothing to do with you at all.

We all have people in our lives we love and have disagreements with. How often are these disagreements caused by beliefs and opinions that are not personal? Oftentimes, I feel I have the need to defend myself against the opinions of others. I take things personally and feel that I must prove them wrong. All I do in those instances is eat another's poison when I could have let them keep it. This is a sad waste of energy and time when I could be using that energy to work out my own judgments and opinions of others. What are the things within myself that need clarifying and straightening? It is easy to point out the seemingly hurtful opinions of others, but what about our own? Other people's opinion of me is none of my business, but my opinion of others is absolutely my business.

How are you going to rid yourself of taking things personally today? How freeing is it to know it's not about you? I'd love to hear your thoughts here or in an email to defytheaverage@gmail.com

Tolerations

Most of the time we hear the word "tolerate" these days, it is in a positive way. We have come a long way in the acceptance of others' beliefs and lifestyles - and I think this is wonderful. What isn't wonderful is the tolerance we allow to hang around in our day to day personal bubble. What I mean by that is the "little stuff" like the pile of laundry that haunts you every time you look at it, the messy kitchen, the closet that needs to be organized, or the fact that you have entirely TOO MUCH STUFF for your tiny apartment. There are any number of things that we could be tolerating at any given moment and most of it seems oh so harmless. But is it?

I believe that we allow so many things we are tolerating to build up to the point we drain our energy. Energy needed to live a fulfilled life. Those messy little annoyances and unfinished projects contribute to you feeling overwhelmed and unaccomplished. Don't believe me? When I heard about this principle, I became painfully aware of all the things I had allowed to accumulate. I don't know how I had gotten the idea I needed to save everything - but I thought I was being frugal and smart but keeping things I hadn't used for years that I might need someday. Now I realize that the space around me reflects the space in my spirit. I was cluttered - inside and out. But when I started slowly clearing my home and space of things I just simply did not need, my mental space started feeling a lot clearer as well. My life had room for new opportunities, my bookshelves had room for more books, and mind had room for new and exciting ideas.

You may not have a clutter problem, yours might be cleanliness, or disorganization. Perhaps you are the queen of unfinished projects. It could even be unhelpful people you have kept in your life. Maybe friends that cause annoyance or a job that you are tolerating. Maybe you are tolerating unhealthy foods and you know your body deserves better. Many of these things weight us down more than we think they do. Whatever you are tolerating could be keeping you from huge lifestyle changes or game changing realizations. They are not worth it. The things we tolerate become like a chronic disease which slowly and stealthily robs us of our potential. In essence, all of those small annoyances take up all of your space for newness and creativity. Your energy cannot seep out to all of those things clogging up your thoughts and make room for the new and exciting at the same time. Say yes to one and no to the other. It's your choice!!

So what are you going to get rid of today? What is draining you of your energy and newness? I would love to hear about how you are going to freshen up your life today. Start the conversation here or email me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

The Work Thief

What is the biggest demand on your time? What is taking the most energy from you? The largest barrier from accomplishing dreams I hear about is - work. If you are the average American worker, you most likely will spend around 1/3 of your life working. Remember you will also spend another 1/3 of your life sleeping - leaving you with 1/3 left for yourself. Better hope you like work eh? If these numbers seem cruel and unreasonable to you, don't accept them.

I woke up a few years ago when I met my husband. I was in the rat race like everyone else - struggling to make a paycheck and pay the bills. I was bitter, resentful, and discontent with my life. I felt that God had given me a hard hand and I was failing at managing it. When I met my husband, I was jealous of him. He owned his own business and seemed to be able to do whatever he wanted. He travelled. Took days off whenever he wanted. Relaxed. And he enjoyed the work he did. The funny thing is my husband is not wealthy. He does not make an incredible about of money, but he makes enough to LIVE, and he is content. At first, I thought he was spoiled. How dare he live so comfortably when everyone else had to work so hard. I had a lot to learn.

As he lived comfortably and I worked my butt off, I continued to read, grow, and listen. Finally, I started to learn. Fear was keeping me at work. Fear of losing all the material things I had accumulated. But they were not worth losing my life over it - literally. My priorities needed rearranging. Work is simply a tool. Money is also a tool. It is not necessary for work to define your life! We all know money is not fulfilling, yet so many of us are obsessed with the idea of making a lot of it. Even if we are able to manage to get the career we dream about, our most priceless gift (life) slips away from us while we are working those 40-60 hours of career achievement. I believe this is a very simple example of losing sight of our real priorities.

So how do you get back to your life now that you are thoroughly turned around? Start to incorporate the little things again. For me, I had lost so many things I used to enjoy. I had stopped reading, listening to my favorite music, writing, and taking care of my body. I did not spend quality time with those I loved and I had lost all of my friends that meant anything to me. Survival had become the only thing defining my life for a long time. I had to release my fear and the illusion of control over my financial future, before I could take the risk to take care of myself and my life in shambles. Once I took very small steps towards living my life instead of letting the fear of money and work control me, I began to experience freedom and joy. The funny thing is - life will reward you for this choice. The less I focused on work, the more money I didn't seem to need. I can't explain that - it's just what happened.

I just received my W-2s for taxes this year and I realized I made roughly the same about as I did last year. Yet this year, I feel like I have lived in excess. I did not stress about work nearly as much and I did so many wonderful things to enjoy my life. Today I read, take time for myself, enjoy music and writing, and practice extreme self care. I spend quality time with my husband and family. I am working on building new friendships. Yet, my finances did not change. They are not the goal anymore. Work does not define me - and I work about half as much as I used to. I will not allow work to take over my life or rob me from my potential and my joy.

Is work the centerpiece of your life? How have you prevented work from becoming an obsession to you? I would love to hear about it! Start the conversation here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Me Time

You are the gatekeeper of your life. Every moment spent, you must make choices about what to leave in - and what to kick out - of your life. This can be a hard game to play because everywhere you turn there are expectations and requests galore. A person can easily fill up their schedule to the point that they have scheduled themselves out of any fun, family, or freedom... and yet we only get roughly 50 years of our adult lives to LIVE. It seems to me that time better be spent on YOU and not the whims of everyone else. Because it will fly by.

So let's talk about those expectations everyone seems to have on your time. #1 Your BOSS. So many people hand over their power to their boss. He says jump: you jump. He says speak: you speak. He says I need you to work overtime this week: you say "OK!" Even though you will miss your son's game. Even though you will not get any badly needed time with your husband. And most importantly even though you needed that time for yourself. You see, we seem to all like the illusion that we can say yes to everyone AND show up for ourselves AND show up for our priorities. We can't. It's yes to one and no the other.

What can I do? I can't say "no"! What if I get fired?? We were never meant to live in fear of our jobs. Your job is there to benefit you. Sure, you also benefit your employer - but that is not why you are there. Don't forget that. There are ALWAYS other jobs to be had if this one cannot respect your boundaries and your needs. Empower yourself by setting boundaries with your work. "No, that doesn't work for me." "I am not willing to work that day because I have other plans." "I am only willing to work x-number of hours." This is a healthy way of keeping your time sacred and making sure your life does not get claimed by your work.

What about everyone else? Mom wants me to come for family dinner every weekend. My friend needs help fixing her computer. My church needs me to help 3 days a week with a project. My brother is an alcoholic and needs my help.... The list could continue. Anywhere you turn you can pick up new tasks - some that aren't even requested, they are simply demanded. Again, you must keep your own time - your own life - sacred. A motto that has become helpful to me is "I can't do it if it isn't for fun or for free". At first, this sounds selfish and harsh. But is it? Using this motto doesn't mean that you never help or benefit anyone else: those things can be very fun and fulfilling. It does mean that nothing is done out of obligation or expectation. It means every action you take is genuine and unbegrudged. Help your loved ones out of desire and freedom - not out of duty, and not before you have taken time for yourself.

When I began setting limits on my work and relationships, I was able to start breathing. I refuse to work 40 hours a week anymore. I take at least an hour all to myself every morning. I take vacations with my beloved husband. I set aside time to read. All of these things make me feel fulfilled and whole.

How can you set aside uncompromised time for yourself? It may include taking risks like setting boundaries with your boss, husband, or family - but I want to know how you are stepping out and LIVING your own life. Let me know! Comment here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Trust Your Intuition

Intuition. It is such a questionable word in this scientific age. Many of us have been trained to put our scientific knowledge about what we are feeling and what our bodies are telling us. Consequently, we have quieted our intuition - some so successfully that it is silent completely. What is the use of intuition anyway? What do we need it for in such a smart, intellectual age?

Intuition is a lost art. Many times we can learn from our own feelings more meaning than we can from our external world. It is God's way of speaking to us and urging us to follow our path. We were created with a powerful tool that we can choose to tap into at any moment. Often our intuition will whisper to us when we are getting into a troublesome friendship, or when someone is lying to us, or when our choices do not line up with our values. On the contrary, our intuition can lead us to new opportunities, point us to a healthy relationship, or affirm our direction. It is, perhaps, the single most important little voice we will ever listen to.

The trouble with intuition these days is the overwhelming noise we receive from all the opinions around us. Our loved ones, bosses, friends, media, politics - they all have their say about what we should be doing and believing. Their opinions are so dangerously loud that they easily can drown out what our spirit is trying to tell us. I used to have such a hard time listening to my own little voice. Everyone else's beliefs seemed so much bigger than mine. I would have a suspicion about someone's behavior or a belief about a certain topic that felt so true to myself - only to be told by someone else that it wasn't true and I was wrong. For awhile, I believed them. For awhile, they trumped me - even when my intuitions would turn out true almost every time. But they were louder - so they were right.

Today, my intuition gets the stage. I have learned to trust it - trust myself. Sure, plenty of people disagree and they are entitled to their opinions. There is no need to argue, but when it comes to action or belief, I will go with my gut every time. Life is too short and fragile to get whipped around by everyone else. Trust your what your spirit is trying to tell you. No one else is living your life or creating your values and beliefs. The beautiful thing is when you start listening to your natural born intuition it will get louder and easier to follow. So thank God for the tools he created you with and don't be afraid to use them!

Tell me about your journey your intuition has directed you to follow. Have you been listening? Or have you been pulled by all the voices around you? What's the game plan now??

Tell me here or at defytheaverage@gmail.com

"The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow." ~Unknown

I Need to Need Nothing

As humans, we all have needs. Physical needs, emotional needs, spiritual needs. And we all have developed ways of obtaining what we need - sometimes in not the best kind of ways. We might manipulate. We might intimidate. We might run, sulk, demand, or cry hoping someone will see our great need and fill it. Whatever we have learned worked at one time or another - might just work again so we hold out hope. Most of us don't even know how to identify what it is we are searching for - asking for. We just know we want something. Those darn pesky needs would just be so much more convenient if they didn't exist.

Needs - just like hunger - are a natural part of our existence that require recognition. If we tried to pretend our hunger just wasn't there, we would eventually die. If we tried to eat candy to suffice the hunger of our bodies, we would also never feel satisfied. The same is true for our emotional and spiritual needs. There is a healthy "diet" if you will, to quench our deepest needs. Every need you have can be successfully filled to the point of nonexistence.

The first step is to identify what it is that your soul craves. A counselor or life coach can be helpful when you are trying to put together a list of your needs. Once you have identified the largest needs in your life, you must take an honest look at your life and assess where your needs are being met or not. Remember, your needs can be met through every area of your life so if you are trying to meet all of them through one area or one person - this is a good indication that you need to seek nourishment from other resources as well. I see this particularly in many romantic relationships. In fact, I used to do this myself. I was very disgruntled with many unmet needs simply because I did not look beyond my home for fulfillment. One person is not meant to meet every need. They can't. That is why each of us should build a strong, supportive world with friends and groups who are there when we feel empty.

Once you have identified your needs and how they relate to your outer world, brainstorm ideas about how to meet each of your needs. For example, if your need is acknowledgement, pick four or five friends to call you each day with an acknowledgement of your hard work, compassion, talent, etc. If your need is affection, enlist a few friends, family members, and your spouse to hug you, cuddle with you, or touch you in a loving way. The idea is to fulfill your need before you become empty. If you wait until you are resentful and upset about an unmet need, it is likely you will seek help in an unhealthy way. So fill yourself so full you do not have a single need in the world. Do not allow your needs to control you - they are simply a tool your soul uses to keep you happy and healthy. Relish it!

So what needs do you recognize in yourself today? Have you found a strategy to keep yourself emotionally and spiritually "full"? Let me know in a comment or in a message at defytheaverage@gmail.com!

Environment is Everything

You cannot be too choosy with your surroundings. We all like to think we can survive a toxic work environment, relationship, home, or family, and come out unscathed. We can't. We are beings affected by the energy around us - it's the way we were created because we aren't robots. Yes, to some degree we can detach from hurtful or demeaning words, or we can let complains roll off our backs. But I do not believe we can walk away without being negatively impacted.

It is not hard to tell if a situation is toxic for your soul. Do you dread going home? To work? Does your soul scream for a break from a certain person? Are you constantly tolerating something, wishing it were different? This is your spirit gently pushing you to make some life changes. Listen to its whispering. Your intuition was given to you for a reason. Things that we tolerate on a day to day basis slowly poison our souls, crippling us and preventing us from achieving our potential.

Your spirit wants to flourish in an environment where it is fed and fulfilled. What makes you feel alive? What is it that doesn't feel like work at all? What are you naturally drawn to? Go there. Be that. It is difficult to take the risks in front of you - but it is well worth the reward. Whatever you are tolerating - trade it for something bigger. Don't be afraid to let go because the space created will attract the new opportunities you crave. Fear often keeps us comfortable with what is familiar - even if it makes us unhappy and miserable. There is so much more waiting if we will only risk losing our comfort.

Be uncompromising in your environment. Refuse to accept toxic negativity in your space. If your job is toxic, get different one. If your relationship is negative and stagnant, have a talk with your mate and make some changes or take a new path. If you are surrounded by negative friends, make some new people who dream like you do. If you dread going home, start making it a beautiful place to be. Clean out the clutter and create peace. Your surroundings become you - so start painting your world the way you want to be. You are the only person that can choose how your life is going to look. Make it a masterpiece.

What are you tolerating that is making your environment unbearable? What are you going to change to bring you to your potential? Let me know on this blog or at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

“Success depends on getting good at saying no without feeling guilty. You cannot get ahead with your own goals if you are always saying yes to someone else’s projects. You can only get ahead with your desired lifestyle if you are focused on the things that will produce that lifestyle.

- Jack Canfield

Let Me Disappoint You

"Let me disappoint you" is a beautiful phrase in a book I love called The Art of Extreme Self Care, and it is a concept I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have learned so much about boundaries over the last two years and I just keep eating it up. Little by little, I find it easier to disappoint people if it just has to be done.

I grew up with the mentality that I could somehow go through life making everyone and myself happy. I had some sort of superwoman complex that I fought, tooth and nail, to hold on to. Every time I was unable to accomplish the happiness of all those around me, I felt like a failure. I also made another lethal yet unconscious decision - I surrounded myself with suffering people who needed me. Happiness was a stiff order. One that was completely ridiculous and unreasonable. Yet I expected it of myself to solve it all - and make everyone happy. Guess who ended up miserable...

One day I had to come to grips with the truth that I could not make anyone happy. The harder I tried, the more demanding people became. I felt resentful and overwhelmed. I had to come to a very low place to accept the fact that I was far less powerful than I thought. I opened myself up to learning how limited my little world of control was - and it was beautiful. I get to make me happy. That's it. That is all I have control over. A wonderful thing happens when I practice this. Other people around me seem to get happier too. The only thing I owe another person is my own happiness.

Sometimes being true to my own happiness can be disappointing to others. When I am honest about my own needs and desires, it can be necessary to deny someone else's request. The word "no" is often the hardest word to leave my lips - but the most important and loving word I could utter. "No" encourages independence - for me, for the other person. It gives dignity. But it also sometimes stings with disappointment. The word "no" has changed my life and given me my happiness back. I used to believe an illusion that I could solve everyone's problems and have time at the end of the day to accomplish my own dreams and goals. Today I understand I either chase a false belief that I can change another person's happiness, or I can focus on myself and perhaps truly make an impact. I don't need to be superwoman today. I am simply a human that chooses to be happy.

How do you disappoint others in order to remain true to your own needs and self care? Do you find it difficult to let others down when it is necessary for your spiritual growth? Let me know about your journey in a comment below or at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Unacceptable Behavior

For quite awhile, I was baffled by the idea of simply not accepting unacceptable behavior. I think I had a hard time distinguishing what was unacceptable to me for one thing, and secondly, once I identified what was unacceptable - how in the hell was I supposed to make it any different??? HAHA.

Today, I don't find the topic quite so confusing. I have come a long way in raising my own standards and you can too. Before I could begin to set wholesome boundaries for myself, I had to learn to identify what was important to me. I used to think EVERYTHING was unacceptable. Especially in relationships. "He's always disrespecting me. He never does the dishes. He doesn't do the dishes correctly. How dare he use that without asking me.  I can't believe he said that about me." - On and on my head would race... and the resentment would mount. All the time I would think about the behavior of others - friends, family, boyfriends, co-workers - and I would think so many things were unacceptable. If I chose to communicate my feelings, I felt it was hopeless anyway because there would be no way to force them to change. Mmmm... Silly girl.

What I was doing was not justice to myself. I hadn't taken the time to really identify what bothered me so bad - deep down - that it was unacceptable. It took much less time to just feel disgruntled about everything. We have to know ourselves before we can ever understand where to set our standards. Today I know that cussing at me - is unacceptable. Discrediting me - is unacceptable. Being in a toxic work environment - is unacceptable. Being anywhere that doesn't make me grow, shine, or love - is unacceptable. What are the absolute "no's" to you?

So what to do when the "unacceptables" are identified? Does identifying one of your absolute "no's" make it quickly disappear from your life forever? Ha! No. It is only the first step. Here is the hard deal with choosing not to accept anything but the best in your life - you have to choose to let go. If you don't accept demeaning communication any longer and your boss, or boyfriend, or whoever, is constantly demeaning you after you have asked for respect - you have to cut them from your life. If lying is unacceptable and your best friend lies constantly, the change is in your corner. Identifying something unacceptable and then allowing it to continue means it really isn't unacceptable to you.

I have found that identifying the few things that are truly unacceptable to me and then following through by never allowing them in my life, has given me a new lease on life. My life gets progressively better when I stick up for my values. When I compromise and tolerate unacceptable behavior, I allow my spirit to be wounded over and over. How can I ever grow if I am constantly preoccupied by resentment and surviving another blow to my values? Don't accept anything but the best in your life today. It may not seem like serious business to let that rude comment slide by, but it may be draining your potential subtly every day. Make some changes - big or small - that allow your values and spirit to flourish. Remember, we are the gate keepers of our lives. Only you can choose the environment you live in.

Tell me about your standard shifts! Start the conversation right here. Or you can message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

The Next Indicated Thing

As a follow up to our discussion about new year's goals, I figured it would be important to talk about the journey to get where we are going. I tend to be a little anxious and get stuck in my head when I think of my "goals." Scary. Why do they seem scary? Because I think of all the changes that need to be made during the entire course of my life and feel like I need to get it all done NOW! Haha! No wonder it makes me anxious...

Over the last few years, I have learned a whole bunch about being present, setting limits, and taking the "next indicated step." It does not come natural to me. I am the type of person that wants to fill my whole plate up right now, get it all done without sleep, rest, or fun, and then someday I'll be happy when it's all done. Talk about living in the future. Today, I am doing my best to give myself a reasonable amount of work to do without sacrificing my self care or happiness in the process. Even if I see a hopelessly large amount of changing to do, I can rest knowing life is in the process - not the outcome. It's the changing that brings joy - so why rush through it?

I enjoy watching my coaching clients make this realization. In the beginning, nearly everyone can't wait to get started making life altering changes as quickly as possible. They want to change careers, change relationships, change lifestyles. All of the change they want is positive however, when the will gets ahead of the universe - we are in for trouble. Rarely do those changes last and they can lead to frustration and heartache in the end. One thing at a time. This world is a sleepy, carefree, and fun environment when we take each step deliberately, one at a time. So, stop trying to leap the staircase and enjoy the scenery. The journey is the joy you are looking for.

So what is the step you are taking deliberately today? I would love to hear your story! Tell me at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Happy New Year!!

2014. What an opportunity. There is always something refreshing about beginning a new year. January is cleansing and exciting when I think about shedding all the weight of last year... and I'm not talking about physical weight. We all accumulate baggage throughout the year whether it is emotional, relational, spiritual, or mental. The energy surrounding the new year allows us all to let go of whatever doesn't work anymore and grab ahold of something new. It's time to kick off the new year with growth.

Every new year I hear a lot of negative talk about resolutions - how they don't work, how silly they are, and how you would be better off just carrying on without setting any "worthless" goals. Maybe many people to lose sight of their resolutions quickly however, it seems to me we should be encouraging each other to set goals and cheering them on along the way. Perhaps we could focus on how to change the success rate instead of encouraging people to give up all together. A kind word has always gone a long way for me. If friends of mine had told me to forget my goals because no one ever succeeds anyway, I don't think I would have made it this far. Goal setting is positive. I hope that you continue to set goals for yourself all year long. I hope that you set a direction for your life and go for it with all your heart and soul.

I am the type of person that can be overwhelmed by all the things I want to accomplish. Too many goals, too many dreams, too LITTLE time! This year I want to be deliberate. I want to pick one thing at a time and live it. Self care is a theme for me this year and that will be my resolution - for now. I want to take extremely good care of myself this year, because I have never been that great at it. When it comes to nutrition, health, relaxation, spirituality, relationships, fitness, and work, I want to be a bad *ss at taking care of me in 2014.

So take a risk and challenge yourself this year to something new. So what if you "fail" - if there is such a thing. We have really been beaten if we are so sure of failure that we fail to try for anything. Don't make it complicated, but set one simple goal at a time and set yourself on fire. Be passionate about life. Take the next indicated step. Get to know yourself and your desires this year, and get to it!

Let me know what you have decided to do this year, or month, or week at defytheaverage@gmail.com. I would love to hear about it!