We all have a few of them. The challenge is to get rid of them: Secrets. I'm not talking about secrets like the ones your little sister told you about the night she was embarrassed she ripped her skirt... I'm talking about the deadly ones that destroy your peace of mind and genuineness. We all have a deep need to be authentic and secrets rob us of that. Secrets like: abuse, addiction, sickness, betrayal... We may feel like we are being a good friend or a loyal mate, but at what expense?
You are only as sick as your secrets. Not only could secrets be harming your loved one - they are harming you. I learned this the hard way. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a man who struggled with addictions. Attempting to save face for him and thinking no one understood, I would cover for him constantly. I would make excuses, sometimes even lie to his probation officer, and most of importantly I would hide my own pain. The longer I kept his secrets, the more isolated and miserable I became. I lost friends because I felt like I could not talk honestly about what was going on in my life. I stopped going out with people or making plans. It took too much energy to try to hang out with others when I knew I would have to defend and excuse my boyfriend's behavior the whole time. I was trapped. I was lonely. I was resentful.
I am not saying we should share everyone's business and air out dirty laundry that is not our own. Obviously, this is harmful all by itself. There are safe places to share things that bother you and are making you sick. For me, that place was AlAnon. I could share freely about what was happening around me and could rest knowing that my hurt and pain would never be shared elsewhere. There were some secrets I had to give up completely and openly - no matter if I felt they were embarrassing. I had to tell my boyfriend that I would never lie to his probation officer again. I had to tell him I would never hide alcohol for him. Those were hard things to say, but I felt lighter just knowing those things were no longer my burden.
In order for me to have healthy friendships, I had to stop making excuses for anyone else's behavior. I put the focus back on my own business and if anyone asked about things that were "secrets" I was honest or simply stated that it wasn't my business to share and that they should ask that person. It is a wonderful thing when honesty floods a person's life. Without honesty, relationships cannot flourish and self care comes to a screeching halt. My illusion that keeping secrets made me a loyal person was a lie that poisoned my soul for a very long time. I could not understand why I became depressed and lost, until I reached out to embrace truth above everything and everyone. I was only as sick as my secrets kept me. You cannot be authentic and keep secrets at the same time.
Do you struggle with keeping secrets? Are they affecting you - poisoning you? Do you keep yourself from others because you are ashamed of what you are hiding? Let me know about how you maintain your honesty. Leave a comment here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com
You are only as sick as your secrets. Not only could secrets be harming your loved one - they are harming you. I learned this the hard way. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a man who struggled with addictions. Attempting to save face for him and thinking no one understood, I would cover for him constantly. I would make excuses, sometimes even lie to his probation officer, and most of importantly I would hide my own pain. The longer I kept his secrets, the more isolated and miserable I became. I lost friends because I felt like I could not talk honestly about what was going on in my life. I stopped going out with people or making plans. It took too much energy to try to hang out with others when I knew I would have to defend and excuse my boyfriend's behavior the whole time. I was trapped. I was lonely. I was resentful.
I am not saying we should share everyone's business and air out dirty laundry that is not our own. Obviously, this is harmful all by itself. There are safe places to share things that bother you and are making you sick. For me, that place was AlAnon. I could share freely about what was happening around me and could rest knowing that my hurt and pain would never be shared elsewhere. There were some secrets I had to give up completely and openly - no matter if I felt they were embarrassing. I had to tell my boyfriend that I would never lie to his probation officer again. I had to tell him I would never hide alcohol for him. Those were hard things to say, but I felt lighter just knowing those things were no longer my burden.
In order for me to have healthy friendships, I had to stop making excuses for anyone else's behavior. I put the focus back on my own business and if anyone asked about things that were "secrets" I was honest or simply stated that it wasn't my business to share and that they should ask that person. It is a wonderful thing when honesty floods a person's life. Without honesty, relationships cannot flourish and self care comes to a screeching halt. My illusion that keeping secrets made me a loyal person was a lie that poisoned my soul for a very long time. I could not understand why I became depressed and lost, until I reached out to embrace truth above everything and everyone. I was only as sick as my secrets kept me. You cannot be authentic and keep secrets at the same time.
Do you struggle with keeping secrets? Are they affecting you - poisoning you? Do you keep yourself from others because you are ashamed of what you are hiding? Let me know about how you maintain your honesty. Leave a comment here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment