Let's Talk Self Care

Today, I'd like to have a conversation about self-care because it is often left as a side note of life. Too often, I hear, "I'll take care of myself when I have time." Or "That's just not my priority right now." The truth is, if it isn't a priority now, chances are it never will be. 

First of all, let's discuss "what is self-care?"

Self-care is any intentional choices you make to take care of your physical, mental and emotional health.

Some examples of self care might include: 

• Surrounding yourself with people who nourish and encourage you
• Eliminating clutter from your home and office
• Choosing work aligned with your values
• Getting your finances in order
• Allowing yourself rest and play
• Prioritizing your nutrition and body health

Most importantly - 

• Never making any commitments out of guilt or obligation

So, what's so important about self-care?

In our culture, many people highly value hard work, ambition, and taking care of responsibilities. Although these things are great, often they are not harmonized with a strong practice of self care. 

The self care that gets forgotten must become our first priority. We have become too comfortable with self-deprivation, and we often compromise the things that are really important to us. Self-care is what fundamentally keeps us healthy, because, as human beings, we actually require a lot more than food, water, and shelter. To feel alive and well, we need space to realize our purpose, and we need to come from a space of financial security, relationship peace, and nourishing surroundings.

Another common behavior in our society is to priority the wellbeing of other people over ourselves. This could be a spouse, children, friends, other family members, or even complete strangers.

Every time we board an airplane, we hear “put on your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else”. Everyone understands this concept in context, but we often miss the concept everywhere else. To be effective in anything, we must be vigilant in prioritizing our own authentic self-care. You will be a better wife, if you prioritize your own happiness instead of showing up miserable and empty, trying to make him happy. You will be a better mother if your children watch you unapologetically honor your own need for rest, camaraderie, or space, even if it means telling them “no”, for something they want to do.

In order to be the best that we can be in literally any and every role we play in our lives, we MUST care for ourselves FIRST.

What are the benefits of self-care?

We constantly hear about living our “life’s purpose” right? Do we usually discover that through our crazy 9-5 schedule? No, we discover what makes us feel alive when we allow ourselves some soul space, rest, and reflection. And no, I’m not talking about tv. ;-)

When we honor our own need for our own time, energy, and attention, we get to live proactively, instead of reactively. Think about it. When life is lived constantly jumping from one task to another, there is no time to plan or reflect upon what is important. Everything becomes a reaction to what we are experiencing. We allow ourselves the time to reflect upon our values and determine how we want to spend this life and each precious moment that is given to us. When we take the time for self-care, we begin to live in flow with life, instead of forcing all of the tasks that we think we “should” do.

Living this way can feel counter-intuitive in our crazy busy culture, but take a minute to think about what you will remember in five years. Will you remember the paperwork you completed? The long hours at work? Time with your child? An adventure that you took with your husband? Self-care forces us to refocus on the things that are most valuable in life.

What are the consequences of not participating in self-care?

When we don’t participate in self-care, we deny ourselves the most essential and basic needs that we have. When we don’t allow ourselves to live authentically, we become burnt out, resentful, and lost.

When we are constantly trying to pour from an empty cup, not only do we suffer but everyone around us does too. Everyone flourishes when we come from a space of abundance and freely give of our excess.

The biggest and saddest outcome I see in people who choose not to develop their self-care is depression, hopelessness, helplessness, and resentment. When people do not take care of their own needs, they keep themselves at the mercy of others and their environment to do it for them. Unfortunately, this almost never works out and self-deprivation becomes a way of life. Misery ensues and life is lived as a victim, instead of being self-empowered.

What do you see as the biggest challenges for people trying to achieve self-care?

Being afraid to let go of something holding them back. Attachment.

The more attached we are to something, the more it can become a barrier to our own wellbeing. It could be a relationship that does not nourish us, a job that does not fulfill us, a car that keeps us in debt, or so many things that cause us to compromise our own values and best interest. When we are willing to give up anything and everything that stands in the way of caring for the biggest gift we were ever given (LIFE), we are truly capable of honoring our potential and living to the very fullest.

Commit to ENJOYING your life and ridding yourself fully of anything that compromises your self-care. You are worth it. ;-)

Break the Financial Chains

Here in America, we are encouraged to take out credit cards, loans, and mortgages regularly. Debt is the norm and 80% of Americans have it. The average household debt is $130,922. Approximately 70% of all cars are purchased with a loan. The overwhelming majority of homeowners have a mortgage. Despite all of these horrifying statistics, we continue to be hounded to buy more. According to a Yankelovich study, the average American is exposed to over 300 ads per day. We are bombarded with pressure to buy things everywhere - billboards, magazines, tv, radio, mail, by phone, and even at your front door. Companies are not shy to ask, and even demand, your business. 

Companies may not be shy, but many of us are embarrassed and ashamed to discuss our financial woes. Many of us feel isolated and alone in our sea of debt, and we desperately try to keep up the appearance that everything is ok. Debt, in so many ways, allows us to keep up the illusion that we own a nice home, drive a great car, and can afford our daily Starbucks. No one ever has to know that everything has a monthly payment attached. 

So, what's the big deal? Can't we all just get along with a little debt?

Many Americans do live with substantial debt successfully, for awhile. The problem with debt is that it requires mercilessly consistent payments. Get sick? Too bad. Your car payment won't wait. Getting married? Nope, you're not getting a break. Experience a major loss? Your mortgage won't be showing you any sympathy. Debt ensures that the endless working machine runs smoothly and keeps you showing up every day. The myth is that slavery was abolished in America. The difference today is we have the choice to become enslaved, or opt out. 

If you are one of the many Americans who are feeling weighed down by the heavy burden of debt, rest assured there is hope! It does take some work and dedication, but financial freedom is real! Taking steps toward freedom starts with education and writing a personalized financial plan. Hiring a coach and taking workshop courses can be beneficial in this process, no matter how deep you feel your financial hole is. I myself (Jill Landis) was in $30,000 dollars worth of debt, aside from my mortgage, when I started this process. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. Once a educated myself and put together a plan, I felt hopeful and inspired. It took me three years to become debt-free, minus the mortgage. I am now steadily chipping away at that. There is hope for everyone, regardless of the circumstances!

The benefits of living a debt-free life are endless. When an individual operates from a place of financial health, relationships improve, emotional security increases, and most importantly, personal freedom expands. From a place of financial freedom, a person is free to dream bigger than their 9 to 5. Perhaps you'd like to start a business. Rid yourself of the unease that comes with a heavy burden of debt. Are finances a topic of tension in your marriage? Get your financial future in order and watch how the peace and security in your relationship blossoms. There is nothing like the sweet taste of independence and freedom that comes from owing no one anything. 

How are you building your financial freedom? Do you have unaddressed debt that consistently drains your energy and attention? Do you have a financial plan for your future? How are you managing the resources that the universe has entrusted you with? 

Tell me all about it! I'd love to hear about your successes and challenges! 

I Don't Have Time

I have been thinking a lot about patience and delayed gratification. We live in a very busy culture that often does not have time to wait. I fall into this category so much more often than I wish were true. I am always rushing from one thing to the next, acutely aware of the time (or lack of it). I rarely have time to respond to all of the emails, phone calls, and texts I am continually bombarded with. I never got to experience adult life without being on-call 24/7; my cell phone waiting on edge to notify the next demands to me. At one time, I was overjoyed to possess the immediate access to my phone and I felt powerful to have the ability to contact anyone on a whim. As time continued however, my excitement over my glamorous cell phone has dwindled. It is now simply a representation of constant, overwhelming demands for response. It is another facet of this culture that keeps me continually busy.

We all know stress is killing us, yet it is an addiction this culture is loath to be rid of. We all have some place to be, some chore to do, some work to be done. I am included in this madness. I often take a step back however, and think to myself that this is completely unnatural. I wonder what it would be like if the animals behaved like we do - rushing from here to there - doing mostly meaningless tasks frantically. What is it that we are so frantically seeking? This is a question I hate asking honestly because the answers are usually so trivial. We seek money, popularity, status, success, fear, debt, and "stuff". Rarely to I find a person on a pursuit of peace, love, community, simplicity, and fulfillment because, you see, those things are found in the opposite of busyness. A person rushing around frantically, cannot simultaneously be experiencing peace and simplicity. They are diametrically opposed.

In observing this busy madness, immediate gratification was become a necessity. It takes conscious, intentional action to combat its ugly grip on humanity. We are chained to canned and boxed foods, microwaves, factory farms, pharmaceuticals, credit cards, loans, ready-made clothing, childcare, and instant entertainment. The art of relationships, gardening, cooking, sewing, saving, parenting, and independent creation is quickly becoming extinct. Because we don't have time. We all need it now. We are easily sacrificing the quality of our lives because there is no time to spend on the things that matter. A small example was my own struggle with eating well. I was determined to stop eating out and to begin eating whole foods. Yet over and over I got knocked down due to my lack of time. I would leave for work without a plan and come lunch time, convenience got its way. I would grab something quick to eat that was inconsistent with my goals and I would feel like a failure. It was only when I took control of my priorities and my time, set aside a day a week for cooking, and packed my lunches ahead of time, that I began to succeed. This is one example of what it takes to defy immediate gratification and practice patience.

So, what of delayed gratification? Does patience exist in this busy, rushing, stressed out world? I believe patience requires a shift, not only of perspective, but of action. Peace, patience, and happiness are the antithesis of busyness and stress. Our lives cannot be modeled by greed and fear and money. At the end of life, no one wants to look back and find the only accomplishments worth noting are money and success. Real value does not come by way of this rat race. It is not accomplished by one tv dinner after another. Anything of substance requires patience and constantly putting our busy schedules in check. There is no time for mindless activities and meaningless errands. Our lives are short! We get an average of 70 years and we never get a second back. There is no rewind button and no do-overs. I do not want to waste my time chasing things that do not add to my time here, how about you? I want to get the most out of my experiences and stop being ruled by immediate gratification.

How do you stop the pull of busyness in your life? Are you governed by work, money, debt, and errands? How do you set boundaries and create space for the things that are truly valuable to you? I would love to hear about it. Please start the conversation below or email me at defytheaverage@gmail.com