Expect not, Want not.

I think we have all heard that little phrase "expect not, want not" at some time in our lives. I never really soaked up the meaning of it until the last few years however, when life did not allow me to ignore it any longer. Expectations and demands are so natural to have of life, people, work, yourself... everything. But are they helping or hindering your relationships and your life?

I have a little saying I remind myself of now when I am attached to the outcome of a situation: "expectations are premeditated resentments." If I expect that a friend will never gossip about me, that a co-worker will always do their share, that my husband will never criticize - I have set myself up for some major disappointments. I even see the horrible affects of very high expectations of self. In fact, I think the object of people's highest expectations is of themselves. I have been guilty of expecting unrealistic things of myself such as being able to work a full time job, go to full time school, have a relationship, have friends, start a business or non-profit or some big project... of course all at the same time... and the list could go on. So what is the harm in expecting a lot from yourself? I see so many clients (especially women) build their list of things they "should" be doing, only to feel like a failure and someone who is unproductive. Their "failure" to be all of the things they expect becomes an excuse to verbally and mentally abuse themselves in the most unkind ways.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a lot out of life. We should, because life is abundantly full of lovely experiences, people, and achievements. Somehow, expectations seem to drive us further from all of the loveliness and closer to misery and bitterness. The expectations of others is pretty much useless because we have absolutely no control over others' behavior. None. If you don't like something another person is doing that affects you, by all means share your feelings and stand up for your needs. Do that, knowing that you are being true to yourself - not that they are going to change. Because they very well might not. And they are allowed to. If you don't like it and cannot be the best version of you around their behavior, remove them from your life. Most of our expectations however, are just that - our own idea of what other ought to be doing. Step away from your judgment for a moment and see the dignity of their own decisions. They may be happy with the way things are.

Expectations of yourself are another beast entirely. You do have some control over yourself and your own behavior, so it is right to focus your attention there. Do not sacrifice joy and gentleness for your high expectations however, because you will find your life disappeared and left only disappointment. Enjoy the moment you have right now and be the best version of self you can be, with no judgment. Before you know it, the world will be at your fingertips. You will have joy in every day and you will be fulfilling the dreams you never knew you had. It may not include some grandios degree or job or superwoman powers, but you will be present and displaying your best version of you - with no expectations. Flow with your life and allow opportunities to unfold naturally instead of planning your life out and creating a wake of resentment when things don't go the way you wished. Trade your expectations for the day for enjoyment of the gifts life has given you.

What have you been expecting of others? Yourself? Have you created resentments? What is your next move now? Can you accept your day today without any expectations and just simply enjoy the gifts? Start the conversation here or in a message to me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Secrets

We all have a few of them. The challenge is to get rid of them: Secrets. I'm not talking about secrets like the ones your little sister told you about the night she was embarrassed she ripped her skirt... I'm talking about the deadly ones that destroy your peace of mind and genuineness. We all have a deep need to be authentic and secrets rob us of that. Secrets like: abuse, addiction, sickness, betrayal... We may feel like we are being a good friend or a loyal mate, but at what expense?

You are only as sick as your secrets. Not only could secrets be harming your loved one - they are harming you. I learned this the hard way. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a man who struggled with addictions. Attempting to save face for him and thinking no one understood, I would cover for him constantly. I would make excuses, sometimes even lie to his probation officer, and most of importantly I would hide my own pain. The longer I kept his secrets, the more isolated and miserable I became. I lost friends because I felt like I could not talk honestly about what was going on in my life. I stopped going out with people or making plans. It took too much energy to try to hang out with others when I knew I would have to defend and excuse my boyfriend's behavior the whole time. I was trapped. I was lonely. I was resentful.

I am not saying we should share everyone's business and air out dirty laundry that is not our own. Obviously, this is harmful all by itself. There are safe places to share things that bother you and are making you sick. For me, that place was AlAnon. I could share freely about what was happening around me and could rest knowing that my hurt and pain would never be shared elsewhere. There were some secrets I had to give up completely and openly - no matter if I felt they were embarrassing. I had to tell my boyfriend that I would never lie to his probation officer again. I had to tell him I would never hide alcohol for him. Those were hard things to say, but I felt lighter just knowing those things were no longer my burden.

In order for me to have healthy friendships, I had to stop making excuses for anyone else's behavior. I put the focus back on my own business and if anyone asked about things that were "secrets" I was honest or simply stated that it wasn't my business to share and that they should ask that person. It is a wonderful thing when honesty floods a person's life. Without honesty, relationships cannot flourish and self care comes to a screeching halt. My illusion that keeping secrets made me a loyal person was a lie that poisoned my soul for a very long time. I could not understand why I became depressed and lost, until I reached out to embrace truth above everything and everyone. I was only as sick as my secrets kept me. You cannot be authentic and keep secrets at the same time.

Do you struggle with keeping secrets? Are they affecting you - poisoning you? Do you keep yourself from others because you are ashamed of what you are hiding? Let me know about how you maintain your honesty. Leave a comment here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Reality

How do you know your life is real? Is it because you can see your reflection in the mirror? Because you can hear your children talking? Or maybe because you can feel the material things around you? How can you know for sure? Plato asks “How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?" Plato's questions are intriguing. It brings us to a rude awareness of our very personal sense of realness.

We each were created with 5 senses (6 if you believe in intuition like I do), and these senses are the guides we were given to interpret our realities. Because these senses are not experienced collectively, how can we tell if what we experience is the same as our neighbor? Philip K Dick explains it beautifully: "If reality differs from person to person, can we speak of reality singular, or shouldn't we really be talking about plural realities? And if there are plural realities, are some more true (more real) than others?" This is a truth we must begin to acknowledge. Our own reality is only a sliver of the collective. I will never get to experience life in another person's skin. I will never see through another person's eyes. The only reality I will ever know is encased in this single mind. 

Why is this important? What is the significance? If every person has the potential of experiencing life entirely different from myself, shouldn't this knowledge allow me to extend understanding and even curiosity to others who experience very different feelings and opinions than I do? I believe when we begin to realize the complexity of what is very real to each individual, we have the ability to trade our judgment for a sense of awe. The fact that someone else experiences the same situations very differently than I do is not threatening to my feelings and opinions - it can only add to them. How beautiful that we get to see a broader perspective of reality but only by being open and truly listening to the experiences of others. In this way our judgment of any other opinion or feeling is absolutely crippling. We should be humbled by gratitude to be able to share our isolated and unique lives with other human beings!!

How can you acknowledge the validity and beauty of other's experiences today? Are you able to put aside your view of how your world works and really listen to the truth someone else experiences? Let me know how you feel about relying on only your 5 (or 6) senses to shape your world. Please comment below or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com.

Mirror Mirror

Mirrors: we're surrounded by them. Not the one in your bathroom, but the one laying beside you in bed, or the one you work with, or your annoying little brother you've had for 20 years. People you interact with on a daily basis are constantly reflecting back to you ideas: some that make you feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket, and others that feel like you are slowly getting your fingernails ripped out. You know the feeling. That one most annoying trait in your best friend. The political viewpoint your co-worker has that you just can't stand listening to. The actions of your mother you observe and think "Doesn't she see how ridiculous she looks??" Well, mirror mirror, that's my reflection there?

Every experience we have is an opportunity to learn. We can choose to be aware and open, or we can choose to be blind and resistant. The mirrors in other people are simply a gift allowing us to learn and grow our self awareness. When we see something in someone we love that causes us to cringe, there is mirror reflecting our own limiting beliefs and shortcomings - if only we choose to see it. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to admit the truth in the mirror, but it is the most valuable tool you could ever learn from. So what is the mirror trying to teach?

There are two basic emotions that I feel when I interact with people: admiration and criticism. Of course, there are all different levels of this emotion but they are always there. When I am admiring a trait someone displays in the mirror, this is my environment affirming something that I like about myself - something I identify with. When I feel criticism, all sorts of nasty emotions and behaviors surface. I typically become defensive. I feel attacked sometimes. And I always feel the other person is wrong. The ironic thing is that mirror is showing me the very trait that I despise is within me. I do not have the ability to change the other person, but I do have the ability to search out that trait within myself and make peace with it. Notice I did not say get rid of it, I said make peace with it. Not all things that seem repulsive are negative. They may simply be uncomfortable and something you have been resisting seeing. Make peace with the things you are most judgmental towards.

The mirrors around you are not judgmental. They are objective and true. See the reflections whether they make you wince or not. Be honest with yourself about what they are telling you. And be gentle with yourself when you become aware of a new truth. Change is wonderful. Commend yourself for being brave enough to be honest and open to your reflections. The beautiful thing is when you accept what your reflection is telling you, you begin to feel love toward the person acting as your mirror. And we could all use a little more love. <3

What are your mirrors telling you? What defects have you been overlooking? How will you respond to your reflections? I would love to know. Start the conversation here or message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Don't Offend Me

How often we feel offended in this life. Our feelings can be hurt almost every turn we make and we can be affected so badly our day can be ruined. No matter how much you love or respect someone, you cannot control their words and you will always run the risk of being hurt. Then, there are plenty of people who say damaging things full well knowing you could be offended.

How can we go through life dealing with hurtful words without being dragged down by them? Don Miguel Ruiz explains an agreement we can make with ourselves to protect ourselves from taking other people's "poison". He suggests we don't take anything personally ever. "If I see you on the street and say 'Hey, you are so stupid,'... If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid." - Don Miguel Ruiz. The concept here is that people make opinions and judgments based on themselves not you. If someone thinks you are stupid, that has nothing to do with what is actually true - it has to do with their beliefs and what they are working out within themselves. If you choose to take on that belief, you have chosen to allow a "poison" to affect you to your core.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where we believe everything we hear and interact with is about us. Me, me, me. In reality, life unfolds in its way with of without us. People will have their opinions with or without us. When we realize this truth, we are free of others' opinions and beliefs. Whatever they see in us that is disagreeable to them is simply a mirror, reflecting something they are dealing with within themselves. Knowing this frees us to never take another's opinion of us personally. If someone accuses you of being stupid, fat, morally depraved, or any number of things, it is your choice to take that on as truth, or let it go, knowing something within you made them uncomfortable and it had nothing to do with you at all.

We all have people in our lives we love and have disagreements with. How often are these disagreements caused by beliefs and opinions that are not personal? Oftentimes, I feel I have the need to defend myself against the opinions of others. I take things personally and feel that I must prove them wrong. All I do in those instances is eat another's poison when I could have let them keep it. This is a sad waste of energy and time when I could be using that energy to work out my own judgments and opinions of others. What are the things within myself that need clarifying and straightening? It is easy to point out the seemingly hurtful opinions of others, but what about our own? Other people's opinion of me is none of my business, but my opinion of others is absolutely my business.

How are you going to rid yourself of taking things personally today? How freeing is it to know it's not about you? I'd love to hear your thoughts here or in an email to defytheaverage@gmail.com

Tolerations

Most of the time we hear the word "tolerate" these days, it is in a positive way. We have come a long way in the acceptance of others' beliefs and lifestyles - and I think this is wonderful. What isn't wonderful is the tolerance we allow to hang around in our day to day personal bubble. What I mean by that is the "little stuff" like the pile of laundry that haunts you every time you look at it, the messy kitchen, the closet that needs to be organized, or the fact that you have entirely TOO MUCH STUFF for your tiny apartment. There are any number of things that we could be tolerating at any given moment and most of it seems oh so harmless. But is it?

I believe that we allow so many things we are tolerating to build up to the point we drain our energy. Energy needed to live a fulfilled life. Those messy little annoyances and unfinished projects contribute to you feeling overwhelmed and unaccomplished. Don't believe me? When I heard about this principle, I became painfully aware of all the things I had allowed to accumulate. I don't know how I had gotten the idea I needed to save everything - but I thought I was being frugal and smart but keeping things I hadn't used for years that I might need someday. Now I realize that the space around me reflects the space in my spirit. I was cluttered - inside and out. But when I started slowly clearing my home and space of things I just simply did not need, my mental space started feeling a lot clearer as well. My life had room for new opportunities, my bookshelves had room for more books, and mind had room for new and exciting ideas.

You may not have a clutter problem, yours might be cleanliness, or disorganization. Perhaps you are the queen of unfinished projects. It could even be unhelpful people you have kept in your life. Maybe friends that cause annoyance or a job that you are tolerating. Maybe you are tolerating unhealthy foods and you know your body deserves better. Many of these things weight us down more than we think they do. Whatever you are tolerating could be keeping you from huge lifestyle changes or game changing realizations. They are not worth it. The things we tolerate become like a chronic disease which slowly and stealthily robs us of our potential. In essence, all of those small annoyances take up all of your space for newness and creativity. Your energy cannot seep out to all of those things clogging up your thoughts and make room for the new and exciting at the same time. Say yes to one and no to the other. It's your choice!!

So what are you going to get rid of today? What is draining you of your energy and newness? I would love to hear about how you are going to freshen up your life today. Start the conversation here or email me at defytheaverage@gmail.com