Letting go of the old year, Bringing in the New. 2015!

2014 Reflections:

Our first year married was even more awesome than I could ever imagine.

In January, I started work at Brighter Future Health as a social worker where I get to work with the best team I have ever worked with. I am so grateful for my employers.

My own business, In Tune Wellness, has continued to develop and become a defined force in my life. I am loving the learning process.

February was a warm spot in the winter. We went to Jamaica and had a blast.

Apollo (my Boxer) had to have two cancerous spots removed. I cried. I could tell he really hurt and all I could do was hold him.

This spring, I was able to visit my lovely grandmother and it was wonderful.

Also this spring - I poured my heart and soul into my garden and it gave back ten fold. I am planning on doing it all over again soon.

In May, we went to Yellowstone because it is our yearly tradition and we love that place. It never gets old.

This summer was quiet. Dan (my husband) had intense stomach issues and was bed ridden for most of it. We both missed camping but are soooo ready to bring it on this year!

I had so. many. beautiful. walks. this summer.

August was my third anniversary in recovery. I couldn't be more grateful.

Dan and I went to Cancun in September. Again. We really can't stay away from that place because, well, it's just perfect.

Dan's best friend got married in October and he got to be the "reverend". Haha - it was great.

Harvest was intense. I spent days in the kitchen, canning.

Fall was beautiful, but Dan had some health scares I could have done without. My biggest fears are pretty much gone but I get to remember to live one day at a time and enjoy my best friend in this moment.

I cooked my heart out this holiday season and made so much food pretty much everyone is sick of eating...

Christmas was more than I could ask for. More Love than a person needs, warmth, home, good people surrounding me, and my best friend and husband to share it all with. Oh, and I got a piano. That is a great addition to our home.

The New Year - that's tomorrow. I am excited to clear out all of the old energy in my life. I am cleaning out my home and organizing. I am freshening up my rooms and getting rid of things that have gotten old. I am renewing goals that have gotten fuzzy and picking up books that have gotten dusty. I am maintaining my visions for good health and tightening up my discipline. I am cleaning up relationships and redefining my priorities. Kindness, Love and Patience are my goals for 2015. I hope you all feel as blessed as I do!!!

Changes, Honesty, and Acceptance

Life is fluid. Changing. You will never step into the same river twice. And our journey through life demands a constant will to adapt. This requires honesty and unwavering dedication to see reality for what it is, instead of forcing a fantasy that will never be. We all have those fairy tales and dreams we are fighting for, and sometimes, telling ourselves they are real is the best we can do. Once we can peel away a layer of our fantasies and step out of our illusions for just a second, that is where the change has a chance to begin. We must be aware of our reality and what is true before we can take action.

Throughout my life, I have had moments where I am barely hanging on and moments where I am unshakable. I have been unspeakably happy and I have been wounded and devastated. Despite all of my efforts to force my own will and dreams upon life, it has always had a plan of its own. My part is to open my arms with gratitude and flow with the direction that is revealed to me, no matter what that direction is. It requires an honest look at reality, acceptable of that reality, and a will to work on myself and take action. I never know what is coming next. Sometimes, I am shocked at how blessed I am. Other times, I must grieve and labor to accept the things revealed.

There are so many things that can threaten the life I think I want. There are money problems, work problems, family problems, conflicts, and personal struggles that can all upset my idea of "perfection" and "happiness". I have felt pretty good, at times, with pushing through these difficulties and enjoying the journey. Life has given me a greater challenge recently and I am having trouble accepting it. It is scary. It is threatening. It could change my life - change me - significantly. I have two people in my life, who I dearly love, fighting for their lives. I am powerless over health. I do not get to choose whose heart beats, whose blood pumps, or which medicine will work. I only get to observe life and enjoy good health while it is given. I have taken it for granted in the past. I choose to relish it fully in the future.

We don't get to edit our time on this earth or rewind time lost on things that didn't matter. Time is constantly moving forward and we can choose to let it pass by, or stay in tune with each moment, cherishing those we love.

What takes your energy each day? Is it work? School? Worries? Money? Do you fully enjoy your children, family, and loved ones? Do you give your own life your best, or what's left?

Start the conversation below or send me an email at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Master or Slave

Today, I want to talk about a very scary issue that has caused so much damage and grief in my life. That topic is Finances. Throughout the last year I feel like I have gained so much clarity about finances in my own life and how it fits into the bigger picture.

My experience with money has been mainly bad. It has been used as a tool to manipulate me, control me, and punish me. It has been stolen from me and it has been used to take advantage of me. And there has never, EVER, been enough of it. In working with my mentor, I have discovered that I have a huge resentment toward money and I hate the fact that it can affect my life so much. So, how to unravel all of these feelings and uncover the all of the positive that money can bring...

Money is simply an extension of self. Read that again. It is not bad, good, or moral. It is simply a manifestation of our decisions, discipline, and priorities. Often, when there is chaos and turmoil going on within, it will show in our finances. So it was for me. I had poor boundaries - I was stolen from (over and over). I had low self worth - I spent more money trying to rescue others than on my own self care. I had low self confidence - it was easy to manipulate me with money and hang it over my head. I felt powerless and helpless over my own money and future, therefore I manifested poor spending habits and choices. There are other examples but these are the most prominent. Now, imagine what happens when those inward battles begin to shift. Boundaries are set. Self care becomes a priority. Self confidence happens. Empowerment happens. And now, the finances start to look a little different...

"Money is an excellent slave or a horrible master."

Cleaning up my insides feels good and so does cleaning up my finances. It is hard being patient for change to take place in the area of financial success. Although attitudes and choices can change fairly quickly, finances often take years to clean up. You can dig a hole of debt in a year that can take ten years of dedication to pay off. Whatever the individual case may be, financial discipline is an opportunity to develop character and patience. It is also an opportunity to see how rewarding money can be. Money is unruly, but once I determined to refuse to be ruled by it, my life (and my money) changed.

I have been surprised to find that the abundance of money does not produce contentment and happiness; rather it is the lack of need for it.

When I am taking excellent care of myself and working on myself, I do not have the urge to shop for things I do not need. I do not care to indulge in needless food or unhealthy random purchases. I don't have to have a Starbucks coffee just because I left the house. I don't have the impulse to buy something simply because I haven't bought anything in awhile or because I am simply in a store. I cannot count the times I have recently walked into a store, grabbed a cart, looked for an item that I couldn't find, and then I was ok to WALK OUT WITH NOTHING. A few years ago I would have made sure to buy something just because I was in the store. Sometimes, I didn't even like what I was buying. Today, my financial wellbeing is more important and rewarding. And it feels so good.

Today, I can honor myself through paying off debts and regularly paying myself (saving). I don't have to be dependent on others because I have planned for the future. I don't have to worry about people taking advantage of me because I have the ability to say "no" when something doesn't honor me. I don't have to rescue others with my money because I don't have to prove I am a good person that way. I don't have to spend in order feel in control of my life because today I make empowered choices that don't make me feel helpless. I can't say that money feels entirely great yet, but it is feeling better and better. One day, I expect to have a fantastic and healthy relationship with money and my relationship with myself improves.

What has money helped you discover about yourself? Is your relationship with money damaged, or have you successfully developed a loving interaction? Is money your master, or your slave? I would love to hear your thoughts below or in a message at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Summer Expecations

So many things have been on my mind. Which means you all will probably get an earful shortly. Haha...

This summer has been exactly the opposite of my expectations. My plans were to do lots and LOTS of camping. My plans were to visit my dad in Montana and enjoy the mountains in Glacier National Park. My plans were to spend a few days adventuring with my husband backpacking the Sawtooths. My plans were... just plans. God had a different journey for me this summer. I have been grounded at home - stuck with all the wonderful aspects of my sanctuary of my home and the disappointment of letting my  scripted plans go. At the beginning of the summer, everything looked promising. My husband seemed to be well mended from the autoimmune illness he has battled with and was so well that he had even begun bodybuilding again. That's when Life stepped in. New stepson: Bam. Pancreatitis: Bam. Diverticulitis: Bam. It's a game changer...

This summer has required my husband and I to be near a bathroom and a hospital 24/7. I had heard the words Pancreatitis and Diverticulitis before but had absolutely no knowledge of the damage they could do or the radical lifestyle changes they required. My husband can no longer eat so many things. No fat. No oil. No dairy. No gluten. No nuts or seeds... what's left right? I suddenly feel guilty for enjoying so many of my own meals that he can never touch again. On top of my husband's new health complications, we now have the joy of welcoming a new addition to the Landis family. My husband and I decided to embark on a new parenting journey with my 17 year old stepson. So instead of a carefree summer of adventuring and mountain serenity, life did what it so often does: it required adjustment, learning, and growth.

My point in sharing this is not to invoke pity or sadness. It is to share my learning (or rather re-learning) of an important lesson: relying on plans to dictate your journey may cause disappointment. Expectations often lead to resentment or attempts to fight reality. I had to let go of my desires for the summer and open my eyes to the other things summer might hold for me. I got to do lots of gardening (which I LOVE). I got to can and cook to my little heart's content. I got to enjoy my work a little extra. I got to enjoy my cozy home a little more than usual. I got to learn about my stepson. I got to enjoy extra time with my husband. I GOT TO AND I GET TO. It just wasn't what I had created in my mind in anticipation of summer. Life brings us gifts constantly, but we must be willing to accept what those gifts are and look for them regularly. I am grateful for a life that is always surprising me and bringing me new challenges. It makes me feel alive.

Are there plans in your life that you have struggled to let go of? Do you expect an outcome before life has unfolded it before you? How are you with adjusting to the will of Life instead of forcing your own desires? I would love to hear about it. Please start the conversation below or send me a message at defytheaverage@gmail.com

The Journey of the Past

The past is full of fears, regrets, memories, and smiles. It is both pleasant and painful. I could never have dreamed my life would have held the twists and turns it did. You can plan and force your way through life, or you can simply enjoy the universe as it unfolds your journey in front of you. I tried, for a time, to impose my will on my life but the way of nature only laughed.

I miss some things I lost along the way. I miss people. I miss friends. I miss ideas. I miss ideals washed away by reality. Sometimes, I miss ignorance.

Some people were only with me for awhile and fell away with each chapter of my life as I grew. Some friends are still mysteries to me. Some, I thought, would be with me forever as kindred souls yet some strange force pulled them away. Some, are silently angry and will not tell me what grievance has come between us. Some, are just too busy.

Thoughts in my head have spun in circles beginning with severe confidence and ending in humble questions. As a teen, life had but to unfold in my hands and the world was at my command. My mind was rigid and brainwashed, a robotic version of budding human awakening. As a young adult, friends and education pried open my mind and allowed me to experience some of the "gray" areas, and loads of fun and laughter. As a working woman, life's tragedy hit me like a ton of bricks and I became wincingly aware of the evil humans participate in daily. I heard the cry of the poor, vulnerable, and unloved. Today, illusions have been stripped away and I realize the gravity of our human plight, the fragility of the earth, and the infinite deception of mankind. I know more truth than I ever have, but I have lost so many beautiful lies along the way...

I have learned to dig for truth. I have learned to never be so sure that I do not question. I have learned life can be lonely for a season and it can be full of friends. I have learn intimacy is always waiting for me. I have learned for sure there are no guarantees and everything is subject to change. We never step in the same river twice, I will never step out in the same sunshine and I will never kiss my same husband's lips twice. I am grateful for my experience today and for the change that brought me here - painful, delightful, challenging, and revealing - woven together. I have found love, wisdom, life, growth, ideas, and reality. And I am not even half way through yet! This time I do not even pretend to know what this crazy world intends to teach me next. I do know I expect it to be profound and wonderful.

What has life taught you so far? What do you miss most from your journey? And what is next for you? Please let me know and post your thoughts below. Or you can message me at defytheaverage@gmail.com

Thank you for reading!

Depression

The last month or so (time feels like such a blur), I have struggled to shake a darkness that imposes itself upon me ever so often. I have always been a low energy person and it can feel difficult to complete the most basic of tasks. Sometimes, my daily duties seem overwhelming and more than I can bear - even though they are not more than they ever have been. When this cloud descends on me, I feel ashamed because I know my life is good - more than good - and I am more than blessed, and yet I feel overwhelmed and deeply discontent. Today I know that when I walk through those days, I am simply experiencing what I know is depression.

It can hit me when life is wonderful and motivating - totally out of the blue. I am very lucky and so very thankful to have a supportive husband who will let me cry on his shoulder for no apparent reason. That probably means more to me than anything he could possibly do. His mere loving presence is my biggest consolation. No amount of love or support however, can take away the depth of loneliness only time can ease. Every part of my life feels unbelievably challenging and impossible. Just to conserve what little energy I have, I isolate. I retreat into my own little world mixed with a little music, outdoors, animals, and internet. I remind myself that it will only last a short time and the sunshine will shine out of me again soon.

I know I am not the only one with this human condition. I get to help others everyday get through their own mental tribulations and need for peace. I empathize with their pain. I appreciate the depth it gives humanity. Yes, even in depression there are positives. All of that time in my head gives me perspective and creates a melting pot of knowledge building within me just waiting until I am able to let it out once again. I know others have this gift also, if they only have the strength to wield it. It feels like a weight too heavy for a time - like the pressure needed to create a precious stone. When it is finished, relief washes through and life feels light again, only with more beauty than before. Hold on my dear friends. Your sun is almost in sight.

If you understand my thoughts and bear the same struggles, please join the conversation. Share your own experiences and feelings. We would all love to hear about it and gain strength from you. Please comment below or send a message to defytheaverage@gmail.com

A Question of Love

I do not care much for getting into religious debates or challenging people's faith. I used to as a teenager who had something to prove - but peace has become a valuable commodity for me today. I respect that people are on a journey constantly struggling within themselves about how this life works and why. We all come to different conclusions that seem to make sense and most importantly - make us feel secure. Recently (not by my own choice) I have had to think more than usual about religion and what it means for our world. My husband has been delving into loads of information about the history and sources of any and all religions possible. Consequently, I have benefitted from his studies.

I used to consider myself religious up until around age 20 - then I dropped all the titles and decided that simply having a spiritual relationship with the one I call God fit me better. My background is strictly Christian and that is what makes me ponder so much today. I have a growing intensity of sadness about how religion has done the opposite of what so many of them have set out to do. For instance, I grew up constantly studying the Bible - but why did I never hear my church say "Jesus showed love to murderers and thieves, so we are going to show love and peace to prisoners this week," or "Jesus ate with the sick, poor, and sinful, so this week we are going to invite the homeless over for dinner and make friends with a prostitute."? The word LOVE is mentioned 551 times in the Bible. Yet I am ashamed to say I cannot look back and say that is what I saw.

My experience is limited. I cannot personally speak for any other religions than what I saw myself, and even Christianity can be very different depending on the church and people. A short time of honest study reveals religions all have a checkered and often shameful past. There is violence, torture, and killing. There is stealing, selfishness, and conquering. All in the name of their god. It is nauseating to turn the pages of history and see the horrors. It all makes me want to stop the course of the book and begin a fresh one - one where we get to rewind back to the love that our God showed us how to live. A start where we choose not to deviate from peace, harmony, love, and consideration. Can religion fit in those pages? Sure! But can we please leave out the hate, judgment, superiority, intolerance, violence, and fear?? That's what would be beautiful to see moving forward. Do you agree?

How has religion shaped and changed your life? Were you raised to believe in a particular manner? Are you free to ask what questions your heart whispers? How does an honest look at history affect your beliefs? What do you wish to see in religion in the future?